Meekly strong

We had a lesson recently about meekness. It reminded me of something I had learned in the past, and I understand it better now.

I have written about it before, but I hadn't realized it was so long ago:

http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2013/10/preach-my-gospel-chapter-6-christlike.html

I also hadn't realized that when I was writing on lessons from Preach My Gospel that it had been so long ago. Time flies when there is always something to work on.

If you read the old post, you will notice a lot of long compound sentences. I am somewhat better about that now, though those mostly get removed with editing. You don't have to read it, because I will summarize.

I had a mission companion who was very offended by a correction I made. The correction was unnecessary, but my trainer had done it to me, and it seemed reasonable then. It hurt her more than I thought I could, largely because of other burdens she was carrying.

Even though she was being really hard on me, I apologized and accepted all of the blame because it felt like the right thing to do. I understood at the time that it was related to meekness, but I also knew even then that I wasn't quite getting it right; it bothered me too much.

That period where she was treating me like an awful person and lashing out to hurt me had wounded me, and I was carrying that around for quite a while after. I kept almost bringing it up, wanting to get confirmation that it was wrong of her, and then pulling back because that was wrong of me.

Anyway, when we had the lesson I realized the failure on my part was my own insecurity.

She had to deal with some of those hurts that she was carrying around that had contributed. She made progress very quickly. One morning when I was studying she came out and hugged me. She had been praying and she felt a lot of love and gratitude that she was feeling better. I always remembered that moment.

Looking back now, I realize that in that moment we were far past her thinking that I was evil. That moment was a declaration of it, even if it didn't end up verbally covering everything that had been done and why.

She was okay at that point, but that didn't make me okay. That was my own baggage.

Of course, I wasn't the me I am now, who likes myself and knows that there was not always something fundamentally wrong with me since before I can remember.

I was somewhat on the path. I'd had some lessons (though this reinforced it) that insecurity is common, and that acting like you have it all under control and are always right is more likely to alienate people than impress them. I mean, it does impress some people, but it can still alienate them. There was still a lot for me to learn, and I am sure there was for her too.

Time flies when there is always more to learn.

What I see now is that meekness requires some confidence. It is not so much confidence in oneself, though that can relate. It is more that you know that you don't need to justify yourself and make every point heard. God knows, and all will be revealed and rectified in time.

For my situation, I do think ego was a part of it, though sometimes that ego is bound up with a sense of justice. When you know that you don't have to worry about that, then it is easier to simply put all of that aside and act only on love and integrity and what is right.

Then you can inherit the earth.