Preparing to be human

Part of revisiting this blog is that I am moving forward in where I want to be as a writer and a person, and I have been doing pretty well, and a lot of it has to do with time management. For the most part, I accomplished what I wanted to last weekend.

One thing that I had not counted on was how much the painting would tire me out. I did get the travel blog post done, but I also intended to get another sequence in the comic book written, and I found I did not have the mental energy for it. That was not a huge issue in itself, but one of the things that has been very important for me is to not play computer games, because they keep me from doing other things. Since I was not going to be doing other things anyway, I decided to indulge. Bad decision.

It's not that the time I spent playing them Saturday night, after I had accomplished painting the bathroom, was a big deal. It's that it got me into playing mode again, and there has been time foolishly wasted ever day this week because of it. Friday I told myself it was enough, and made a list of things that I wanted to get done this weekend, the bulk of which would happen on Saturday.

Saturday morning started out okay, if not great. It would not have hurt to have gotten up earlier, but I still had breakfast, walked the dogs, and then as we came in and I was handing out cookies, Jack would not take his and started acting strangely, and needed to lie down. I helped him get into a better position, but his breathing was bad and his eyes were not alert, and I realized we were losing him.

Jack was fourteen years old, and that's about the limit for a greyhound. We have had two make it to fifteen, but it's rare. So we knew this was coming, and honestly, it went as well as it could go. We did not have to make the decision to put him down, he did not have a prolonged period of wasting away, and compared to the other two who have died on their own, his was the most peaceful. Also, we were able to get someone to pick him up relatively easily, which you can't count on during weekends. None of which changes that there are a lot of tears and depression and disruption.

When I was recently thinking about how much I dread things going wrong and taking time away from me, I did think about losing Jack, because I knew it was coming, and there is no such thing as a good time. This was supposed to be a busy day, and things that I had not planned on included sitting with him making sure that he was never alone until the breathing stopped, sitting with Mom, and also useless brooding. The day was not what I planned, and also not even optimal for for the day once the loss becomes unavoidable. But there are two days in which it was okay.

One is that I did still do some things. I did rally myself to go out and prune, because yard debris comes Tuesday, and to run some of the errands, and send some of the messages that I meant to, and even to read another chapter in Guns. Germs and Steel. I also got more clear on the DVR, because television watching was more possible than some things. Some of that is because life marches on inexorably, and we have to keep time, and that's good for us.

Part of it is also that I am realizing more that it is okay that we are weak and fallible. It's not that I don't need to give up the games again, because I totally do. But the fact is that there are things that hurt us, and they slow us down, and that doesn't have to be bad. It could be, if we stayed slow, or stopped, but there is ebb and flow and steps back along with the steps forward, and I have great peace with that.

Also, as much as I do want to become a professional writer and to be a force for good on a broader scale, I also want to be there for my family, and for pets, and for friends, and so I can't have one all-consuming goal that blocks other things out. I want to have a rich life, full of love and kindness, and that involves many things, including, I suppose, a certain amount of acceptance of human frailty, mine and others.

So I call this preparing to be human, and really, it's not that. Being human requires really no preparation. It just happens, ready or not. You can prepare to be okay with it, though. You can understand that things will not go as planned, and still be grateful for what goes right. You can embrace people and animals, knowing you will lose them, and that before you lose them they may be pains on a regular basis. You can know what you want, and aim for it, and still be ready to be grateful for whatever it is that you get. Then your humanity looks less like a burden and more like a gift.