We have now covered areas to think about, dating, and receiving answers as part of the larger topic of preparing to get married. Those topics are helpful if you are ready to get married, or close to ready, but sometimes there may be obstacles that need to be overcome first. These roadblocks can make it difficult for us to reach out to others, or be accepted by them when we do.
Having spent a lot of time in singles wards, I know that it is common (and easy) for the women to write off the men as stupid and immature. Even if there is an element of truth to that at times, I remember once looking at a handful of men and seeing their individual issues. Yes, there were some who just were held back by being shallow, but for others issues included fear of not being able to provide for a family, belief that a handicap would not be accepted, confusion over the meaning of a line in a patriarchal blessing, and struggles with same-gender attraction.
My first thought was that there was no one solution for each of these individuals, but on another level there is. Ultimately, all stumbling blocks are best resolved through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
The difficulty with writing about preparing for marriage is that men and women usually have somewhat different roles and experiences with the process, which is also true here. Often a single man can deal with his key issue, and then he can move forward and find someone and be accepted, whereas a woman can go through the same process and still not get asked. However, knowing what to look for in a companion is good for everyone. Knowing some keys to successful dating is good for everyone, and knowing how to receive answers to prayer is certainly good for everyone.
By the same token, overcoming personal weaknesses will at least make your own life better, and more joyful, regardless of your marital status. It will also make you a better companion should marriage come along.
Finding the correct area of focus can be difficult. This requires looking at our situation with clear eyes. Pride may make us reluctant to face our weaknesses, and fear may make us reluctant to face our pain. Ignoring a problem usually does not work in making it go away, though. Usually the problem will only get bigger until we get to the point that we can’t ignore it any longer and we have to either just rebel completely (wrong way) or accept the broken heart and contrite spirit and finally become workable. This second option is better than openly rebelling, but probably inferior to actively working to seek out and correct weaknesses, praying and repenting all along the way.
I had a mission companion who had been abused as a child. She had dealt with it and had counseling at the time, but certain situations in the mission field brought back memories, and she needed to deal with it again, visiting a counselor and seeking a priesthood blessing. One lesson to take from this is that you should not be surprised if something you thought you had down comes back. New life experiences and knowledge come along, opening up new aspects, and you may have to revisit some issues. That may feel discouraging, but it is really okay.
That was a good lesson, but the one that really struck me at the time was how much her healing resembled repentance and forgiveness. It seemed wrong, because I knew she hadn’t sinned, but she was healed through the Atonement, and there are ways in which the healing is the same. When we work to overcome weaknesses or wounds, there are going to be some similarities to the process of repentance.
Recognition and Remorse: Do you know that you should get married? Do you want to?
If we are going to be completely open and honest, which is necessary, than you need to know that there are no wrong answers. Maybe the answer will need to be changed, but don’t be afraid to find out that a change is necessary.
If you do not feel like you should be pursuing marriage now, what should you be doing instead? Maybe it will not happen in this life, or maybe you need to serve a mission first, or go to school, or make a career change, or go into therapy. The Lord may not tell you everything you want to know about your future, but He is usually pretty good about giving you what you should be working on right now.
If you do know that you should be working on marriage, but you don’t want to, why not? It could be immaturity or reluctance to take on responsibility, but it can be more complex. There can be deep fears and wounds and false beliefs that we sort of sense are there, but we don’t want to examine them because we know that there is pain there. The first step to moving forward is finding out what it will mean for you.
Restitution, Reforming and Resolving: Now that you know what to do, the real work starts.
What lies ahead will be hard, but there are several promises that we should bear in mind.
Ether 12:27 – And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness…and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
The scriptures have many promises about requests for knowledge being answered, but there is also this specific promise that not only can you know what your weaknesses are, but that they can be overcome. His grace is sufficient unequivocally.
Moreover, we are promised many times that God loves us and knows us. We know that He is good and wise, not just knowing our abilities and what will come, but also understanding our trials. We also believe that the purpose of our being here is that we may have joy (2 Nephi 2:25).
What should follow from putting all of these things together is an understanding that God has a plan for you, and following it will bring you joy. You do not need to be afraid of any answer that you receive, because the end result of obedience will be joy. Every weakness that we find can be covered by grace. When the weaknesses prevail, and there is sin, it can be covered by forgiveness. In addition, there is a plan in place for the healing of all pains and restoration of all missed opportunities.
That is not meant to invalidate anyone’s current pain. It is hard. We know a “broken heart and contrite spirit” is necessary, but when you’re actually in the middle of one it doesn’t feel refining—it just feels horrible. That is when you need to cling to a belief in all of the promises that you knew were true before, and in time you will understand the gains that came.
This is where you learn that the Sunday school answers are not merely platitudes—that prayer strengthens you and keeps you on track, that studying the scriptures allows you to remember them at key moments, that you cannot maintain your testimony without attending church, and that you cannot feel good about your life if you are not serving others. Your eternal perspective grows, your charity is increased, and you feel better about being you.
After all, taking on your favorite sins and greatest fears head-on is hard, but dragging them around for years isn’t exactly easy, either, and it does not have the same rewards.
