I recently read an article in a women’s magazine about how to find Mr. Right. It said you should ask yourself three questions:
· Is he a good man?
· Is he crazy about you?
· Is he willing to grow with you?
If you can respond, “Yes” to all three, you should be able to have a happy marriage with him.
These are pretty good questions (though I suspect that there actually needs to be a fourth question about feelings of attraction towards him), but these questions presuppose that there is someone to ask those questions about. They aren’t really about finding Mr. Right so much as recognizing him when he appears.
In much the same way, the July newsletter had great questions to think about if you already have an individual in mind, but many of us have not yet reached that stage. We may not even be close. This is fine. Making the transition from single person to temple marriage involves many steps, and you have to start from where you are. This month we are focusing on dating.
For the some people, dating can be the hardest part. They are good at getting answers to prayer, and setting goals, and doing all righteous, spiritual things, but secular socialization, flirting, and finding the confidence to ask someone out feels completely different.
If this is you, take heart. Although at times it will be awkward and painful, it is temporary. Yes, you should ask your spouse on regular dates, but by then your fear of rejection should have subsided. Honest communication will still be important, and can still be uncomfortable, but it will be with someone who has made an eternal commitment to you. You just need to steel yourself to get from point A to point B, and then the playing field changes completely.
When it comes to fear of dating, remember that the fear is often worse than the actuality, and so after the first few times, you learn that, and the fear ebbs. Fear also often comes from self-imposed pressure and false mindsets. We can review a few things that should help.
First of all, you need to take away any expectations for immediate success. A few years ago we had a string of couples getting married where each of the men was marrying the third girl he had dated in the ward. Three is not necessarily a magic number, but getting to know other people is helpful in discovering your own needs, and what means compatible to you.
Since you are probably going to have to date more than one person, both parties need to remember that a single date is not a promise. Multiple dates are not necessarily a promise. (Though if you hang out with her all the time, and are not dating anyone else, it’s going to start feeling like a promise.) A date is merely an agreement to spend some time together, with no strings attached. You do not have to ask her out again. If you do ask her out again, she does not have to accept. It’s special when you both want to see each other again, and that’s why we’re doing it, but it doesn’t always happen and that is perfectly fine.
There are obligations, but they are the normal, human obligations of being a good person. You should be kind, honest, and respectful. Sometimes the answer will be “no”, but that should never be a cruel “no”. (It may need to become a very firm “no” if someone is not getting the message, but it can still be honest and respectful.)
It is also good for men to know that women tell each other things. If you are rude, dishonest, or unkind to one female, news may travel to others and can be held against you in the future, though you may not know what the specific reason is. If you are aware of any behavior that could use an apology, it’s best to just get that out of the way.
Now, I realize these are written as if the male is doing the asking, but this is the common expectation. Some people feel more strongly about whether or not it is permissible for females to ask, but the good thing is if your feelings are strongly opposite, you were probably not going to be compatible anyway, so just do what feels right to you there.
We have focused on fear as the main obstacle. For dating ideas, especially low-cost ones, there is a lot of information out there on web sites and in handouts from Mutual. For finding the right person, well, if you date enough people, you should meet at least a few that you can like. The big issue tends to be fear. Social anxiety is nothing new, so here are a few ideas to help that.
· Have a wingman: Double or triple dates can remove a lot of pressure. At some point you should move on to one-on-one dates, but if this makes starting out easier, go for it. The important thing is that you do make it an actual date, with defined couples, and not a bunch of people hanging out. Hanging out has not proven to be as effective in building relationships as dating.
· Ask for something specific: Some people feel more comfortable building the date around a specific event or planned activity, rather than just asking, “Do you want to go out some time?” That way, if they say no, it is the event and not you. The drawback is that they might be saying no to the event, but then you interpret it as you. This is where clear communication is handy. “Thank you, but no,” can be for the person, “I’m not free then, but maybe some other time,” can be for the timing, and “Thanks, but I hate Jim Carrey (or something appropriate),” can be for the event. It’s something to build on. For one thing, if you love Jim Carrey, maybe this is the wrong relationship to pursue. The point is, you are finding out more information.
· Get an alibi: Bishop Duncombe used to tell his future wife “So and so said that I should take you out.” Whether or not this was true for him, you could try this as an opening line, and some people may find it cute. More to the point, if you do not have any ideas on where to start, you can also ask friends for advice on whom to date, or where you are going wrong if you have been trying.
· Get to know the person first: It should be obvious, but if the first time you ever speak to someone it is to request a date, this can be off-putting. They may feel that you are asking for shallow reasons, or wonder if there is a dare going on. It is perfectly fine to try dating someone based on mere physical attraction, because it is just a date, but you are then open to being rejected solely on physical grounds because you went there first. When you both know each other as people, even if not very well, it’s a different conversation.
Besides, the additional socialization is good practice. Smile and greet people when you see them. Introduce yourself when you don’t know someone. Sit next to different people in Sunday School (which you are attending). This allows you to make inroads with a little effort, improving your chances for when the time comes to extend an invitation. It also makes for a friendlier ward!
You may have noticed that the overarching theme is that things will work out, even if there are some tough spots. This is true as long as you are doing something. What makes things work out is that you are taking action.
While it helps to remember that not every date will result in marriage, marriage is still the long-term goal. If you find that you are ambiguous on that goal, that you don’t want it, or that something beyond fear or apathy is holding you back from dating, that indicates that more pondering and work is required. We’ll get to that.
