May 2009 - On not being offended

Brigham Young said "He who is offended when offense is not intended, is a fool; he who is offended when offense is intended, is a greater fool." We have all had times when we have been hurt badly by something that just stung. Many of us know people who have let such situations affect their church attendance. Even while the Bible pronounces woe upon those who offend, it confirms that offences will come, and must come (see Matthew 18:7). Accepting that there will definitely be moments when being offended is possible, it is wise to decide now what type of impact you are willing to accept.

Someone who has already been offended could easily be further offended by President Young’s quote, confident that taking offence was justified, but consider the options. Either the offended party is holding on to anger to punish someone who meant no harm, or gratifying someone who did. Both possibilities do sound a little foolish.

This topic focuses on our sensitivity, and is in itself a sensitive topic. I find that it is impossible to make any useful points without being fairly specific and personal, giving examples from my own family. I hope this will be received in the spirit intended, and that readers will apply the principles appropriately to their own situations.

In my family we tend to tease a lot and sometimes we even have heated disputes. Normally the joking is taken in good humor, and the disputes flare up and die down without too much fallout. However, there are times when the reaction is worse than intended, and I have observed that this is usually a combination of two factors.

One may be that the other person is in a bad mood. She has been having a bad day, or is worried about something, and so is sensitive enough that what would normally be considered a joke is not funny.

In addition, it will generally be on a sensitive topic—one where she has real concerns and fears. I learned a few years ago that no matter how angry or frustrated I might get with my mother, I should never call her stupid or a bad mother, because these would cut her to the quick, and it would be unfair. Therefore, even when we are in strong disagreement, I keep those two insults off the table or reconciling will be much harder.

I think setting those boundaries is a reasonable allowance to make, as is recognizing the need to back off when someone has had a bad day. So if everyone will just be a little more sensitive to the needs of others, then everything can be perfect and no one will ever get offended ever. If that were practical, this would be the shortest newsletter ever, but it will be the usual length.

While we should be sensitive to the feelings of others, we only have control over our own feelings, and our own actions. We will sometimes encounter people who actually want to make us feel bad. I hope that it will more frequently be people with good intentions who are a bit thoughtless, or misread the moment, but at times the person who cares about you can hurt you a lot more than the one who doesn’t. The real issue needs to be how offences are handled.

My mother is neither stupid, nor a bad mother, but those are fears of hers. I suspect every mother has worries about her adequacy in that role, so that one just might be standard. The concerns about intelligence come from being married to a very intellectual and arrogant man, which brought her to a new country where she had to pick up the language on her own, and raising children who were pretty smart (sometimes frighteningly so) in a school system that was completely different from the one she went through. On the other hand, if we called her a bad housekeeper, she would not take it seriously, having complete confidence in her abilities there.

I am confident that I am smart and a good sister, so someone questioning that would not bother me. However, having been unemployed for several months now, after years of being fairly well off, has raised a lot of fears about my own worth, and there is a limit to how calmly I can discuss my employability, my financial situation, or how I got into this mess. Comments on that topic have hurt me deeply. However, I have been improving.

The improvement has not come from getting a job. Instead, it has come from a focus on the eternal. I have an intrinsic value as a child of God. That is not based on my financial net worth. I have agonized about still not having a job, and about becoming a taker instead of a giver, and yet it all seemed to be out of my control. I was taking appropriate actions, and they were just not paying off. What I realized was that I could only control my actions. The most important thing about this experience will be if I can be the person I want to be, and should be.

I cannot force companies to call me back and hire me, but I can keep applying for more jobs. I can make an effort to not act weird around people (even if I am feeling worthless and uncomfortable) and eventually I will feel less weird. I can refrain from shouting at my sisters when they hit a sore spot, and I can believe that their intentions are good. I can actively try to remember gratitude and service.

In a singles ward, there are many sore spots. The longer you stay, the more likely you are to wonder what is wrong with you, and if your shortcomings are the specific reason that you are single.

We can be sensitive, growing angry at small jokes and becoming devastated about innocent comments. We can get offended right out of the church. After all, it’s the other person’s fault—they were totally out of line. We still need to understand that this reaction is a choice, and ultimately it will not be a satisfying choice.

At the Last Supper, when Christ told the apostles that there was a traitor in their midst, each one asked, “Is it I?” They were sufficiently humble to believe that they could be the ones with the problem, and when you can face a problem you can fix it.

If you have a weakness that is keeping you single, or unemployed, or unhappy, the Lord can show you this weakness, and turn it into a strength, and has promised that He will (Ether 12:21). We should be working on overcoming weaknesses anyway. And if you are worried or hurt about something that is not really a problem, He can provide clarity and comfort over that as well, so that it does not have to hurt anymore. He can provide you with peace.

Sometimes it seems that people will hold on to a grudge because they know the act that led to it was not right, and they feel like letting go will send the message that it was fine—that the offender did not do anything wrong. We already know that justice will be fully met, so we don’t need to worry about that. The true message of our granting forgiveness is that we will be fine. That is the best choice.