An Introduction to Dominator Culture

A model of society where fear and force maintain rigid understandings of power and superiority within a hierarchical structure.

I first saw the term "dominator culture" in the writing of bell hooks.

She didn't even do much to explain it there, but the phrase just hit me: "That's it!"

I saw many problems that could be traced to racism, but it wasn't always racism. Sometimes it was sexism, or class.

"Patriarchy" sometimes seemed like a better word. It gets used a lot, and it is often accurate.

But then sometimes you notice it isn't a straight top-down model. 

I came across the word "kyriarchy", which can be a set of connecting social systems built on oppression. That came from Elisabeth Schüssler Fiorenza in her book But She Said: Feminist Practices of Biblical Interpretation.

Honestly, the book doesn't have much on kyriarchy. There is a chart, but it is still pretty vertical.

(The book is more a work of exegesis -- critical interpretation or explanation of a scriptural text -- going over the different versions of the Syrophoenician woman requesting healing for her daughter. As far as that goes it is pretty interesting, but it was not what I had been looking for.)

Even racism seemed pretty clear, but then there is how it gets internalized, and how there is racism plus anti-Blackness, which maybe makes "white supremacy" the overarching concept, but then there is still misogyny and misogynoir.

The common thread was that there were those who had a position above others that allowed them to feel superior. Even when they were not openly abusive they would allow oppression to occur. Maybe they felt vaguely threatened, or doubted that things could be that bad for others if it they were not personally experiencing it.

So for that phrase "dominator culture"... okay, that could be any power system, and it does not get enforced merely by those at the top because having someone below them placates even those who are relatively far down but still not at the bottom.

The term itself comes from systems scientist and author Riane Eisler, popularized in her book The Chalice and the Blade (1987).

I recently saw the movie Origin, based on Elizabeth Wilkerson's book Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents (2020) and her writing progress. 

If you have read it (or seen the movie), it may make more sense for you to use the word "caste" instead of "dominator culture", and that's fine.

I stick with "dominator culture" because of that moment when I first encountered it and my feelings about how perfectly it fit. It made a strong impression on me that still reverberates years later.

It is normal that there will be lots of other words that come up as we look at specific interactions, between individuals and within a society. There are lots of examples and we can spend a lot of time on it. All of those other words that may not describe the whole may still be completely accurate for various facets.

There are two things that I want to point out first, and they are part of what makes it so insidious.

First, even if you are more consciously aware of who is above you, that less conscious awareness of those below you is easily threatened. 

Adherence to the status quo is going to benefit the existing power structure. People have a strong discomfort when that status quo is attacked, even mildly. It tends to be emotional rather than intellectual, and it is hard to get people to face it.

Going along with that, we do not think about how much we take it for granted.

I read about The Chalice and the Blade before I read it, and saw that the opposite was "partnership culture". 

That gave me low expectations; is it really so helpful if the people in charge are a married couple instead of just the husband?

It's not about that. It's just people being equal and supported.

Here's another thought for you; what is the opposite of patriarchy? 

We immediately think "matriarchy", with the women in charge, but what if it's not automatically like that?

More equal societies are generally called matriarchal, usually because some things are passed down along matrilineal lines. Maybe another factor is that we associate patriarchy so much with oppression that we think that the only other option is to give the power to the other gender, but still based on gender. 

To be fair, if you are passing down hereditary things from father to son, with paternity being a key issue, it is easy for that to require control of women. Maybe it makes sense that it becomes oppressive, but is it necessary?

What if people just fill different roles based on their skills and their interests and needs?

Can we even picture that?

The difference

I have mentioned previously that I don't enjoy church as much as I used to.

Egotistically (perhaps), I blame that on the other members.

I remember a time when it seemed like talks and lessons were all more spiritual, and the people were just the best. It was a pleasure to learn and socialize with them.

That actually started changing a long time ago, but I have been thinking more about the reasons.

It's been over a decade since I was in a singles ward, but I remember noticing the change there, gradually.

I remember thinking it was because the population had gotten so much younger. 

Now, when I first started going to Canyon Road Ward, I was eighteen, so I may have overestimated the ages of some of the other members. There was a fairly large contingent of dental students, but that would probably still be early 20s.

As I got older and the general population of the ward stayed in their early 20s, I did notice a shallowness, but attributed it to age.

People were not as service-focused, and more self-absorbed, so it made sense that they wouldn't be as spiritual. I guess I thought they needed more time.

You can become more caring of the needs of others as you get older. but it doesn't happen automatically.

You can also put other people's needs too much over your own. There is a balance to be achieved, and it doesn't happen easily, but it seemed to be happening less and less. What was the cause of that?

There could be several reasons that people are generally more selfish and less spiritual; there are many currents in society that could contribute to that. There was one thought that was more disturbing to me, which is probably why I am writing about this now.

I have told this story before, but I don't think it was on this blog.

When I was a child there was a serial killer targeting prostitutes. It must have been the Green River Killer for this particular story, but there have been a few notorious cases.

Someone I knew and loved from church said it looked like someone had decided to do some cleaning up. 

I was disturbed by it, but I was also sure that if she was confronted with a prostitute in need that she would see their humanity and help. She might not sympathize in the abstract, but in the personal, I believed she would.

I still think and hope I was right about that, but I have started to wonder if part of the new hardness of heart is that we are confronted by differences so much. Was it easier for church members of the 70s and 80s to be loving and kind because we were all so homogeneous? And that was not just at church.

I am influenced by growing up in Oregon, which has historically been very white. When I was younger, it was more common for gay people to stay closeted.

I hate philosophy, but I read a fair amount of it because sometimes I believe it's important to understand the influences and the points of view. 

Often, their end goal seems to be to produce stability (at least with political philosophy), but it is amazing how often their answer for that is to make everyone more similar, as if we can't handle getting along with people who are different from us in some way.

This is my long and roundabout way of wondering whether the reason that some church members are such jerks -- especially about gay people or racism or any other bigotry-adjacent subject -- is because they have to admit they exist and previously they didn't need to?

And the corollary to that is that while I have mentioned dominator culture here and there, I want to spend some time being explicit on it.

Being here

There is a parable of laborers in the vineyard where more workers keep joining later, and they get the same pay. The early laborers expected that their pay rate would be raised, compared to the others.

(Matthew 20:1-16)

One thing I have always thought with it is that the earliest workers were blessed for having more time in the vineyard; there is joy and peace in that. 

No, maybe not if it is literal harvesting of grapes or olives. I have harvested grapes and it can be hot and dirty, and come with muscle aches as you keep going.

However, if we are looking at it as having knowledge of the Gospel, having the gift of the Holy Ghost, having faith, hope, and charity... that is a blessing.

I am happier having that.

There are factors that I know may not be universal.

I have a fairly cheerful disposition, and rebound from disappointments pretty quickly, most of the time. That is not true for everyone, and it is probably a factor that makes things easier for me.

At the same time, I feel like my relationship with Heavenly Father and the influence of the Holy Ghost are a part of that resilience. I have times that are tough and hurt a lot. Faith is not an anesthetic, but it does help make things bearable.

My sisters and I are tired all the time. There may be other reasons, but I think part of it is this slow loss of our mother. It wears us down, but we don't despair over it.

That may be a blessing of discipleship.

We have one friend who sees the potential for people to not be interested in church membership because of all of the work, from church attendance to fulfilling callings.

I don't see it that way.

I mean, we have had many Sundays where we did not make it to church on time. Right now, with two of us working on Relief Society activities, nights when there are activities are lost nights. 

So, I do get it, but also I find it rewarding. 

Well, not church -- not as much as I would like it to be (that is a change) -- but visiting teaching and ministering and callings have all been good things for me. I have learned things and developed talents and built friendships, and I think there is a lot to enjoy there.

Of course, a lot of people don't do them, but I think they are missing out.

Now, there is one other area where I think I have it easier, and this is a hotter subject. 

I don't have any immediate relatives who are LGBTQIA+.

I had not thought of it so much until a friend asked me if I had any advice for something related to their child. I felt a little bad that I did not have much to offer, but I realized the potentially good part of that is that I don't have to guard anyone. There might be times when others need to limit their words to protect a child; but not me.

(I have written this before, but I decided a long time ago that while I have no plans to leave, if at some point excommunication comes up and it feels like my integrity dictates that I accept that, I will.)

So I know people for whom it would be much harder to feel comfortable at church, and who have had other members actively work against their comfort. I hate that, but I do not face the same impact. While there are people that I care about a lot, none of them are people that I feel compelled to protect. (Yes, that could change, but it still won't be parental.)

What I am leading toward is that there should be joy in your faith, even with the pain. 

There are things that can make it very hard to feel that joy.

If that is due to other people, it may be hard to fix, but if there is something in you that needs to change, work on that, for your sake and for the sake of the joy.

And if you are not sure, this is an area where you can seek wisdom.

For all of our own imperfections -- individually and collectively -- God is perfect and can make up the difference.

Happy Easter!

I don't know how I would get by if I did not believe in life after death. 

I know there are people who don't believe in it and they somehow still survive, so there must be a way to reconcile it.

Also, I periodically have that question about if I were wrong, would I be okay with this life? The answer has so far always been affirmative, so I guess I have worked it out in the hypothetical.

It is still so important to me that I do believe that I will see those I have lost again, and that there will be that chance to talk again.

It doesn't change that life is hard and that separations are hard.

Having new chances to say things doesn't change that you should not delay saying them.

It still helps a lot.

I believe that Jesus Christ was resurrected, and that because of that everyone who has lived will be resurrected. I am grateful for that.

I wish you the hope, comfort, and guidance that you need. 

Making Sundays more meaningful: Goals

Honestly, I am not the best person for tips on how to keep your Sabbaths more holy or to get more out of your church attendance. I don't rule out improvement and that I might have something to pass on later.

For now, there is one thing that I have been liking a lot.

I have a lot of things that I am working on, some of which are going to play out over months or years.

Recently I started breaking down some of the longer goals into shorter sections, and looking at indicators for knowing that I am staying on track.

That has included creating a weekly list of thing to accomplish, which has become a part of my Sunday journal session, including breaking down what things I should be working on each week.

That includes looking at the last week's goals, going over each line and what happened and what didn't. Then I write out goals for the new week.

I break those goals down further on a daily basis.

One thing I am working on is clearing out old e-mails, most of which require some reading. Generally I will pick a section and then plan on reading two per day, so a daily goal is reading those two messages.

I try to keep things realistic; my tendency is to be overly ambitious, but I have gotten better.

I still miscalculate sometimes, whether that is regarding what a task requires (like starting something on a web site and finding out you need to wait for a letter before you can finish) or just what my schedule will allow.

Last week my plans changed on the Monday. 

One thing came up unexpectedly, throwing off the start, but more badly than I would have thought possible. I realized that I needed to do that particular sequence on a different week. 

Ultimately, that deferral was a logical adjustment; not sticking to the plan did not make me a terrible person.

Being able to feel that way does show some personal growth, so that is a part of it. In addition, making these extended plans means that for all that I do not accomplish, there are still things that I am accomplishing, and the average setback will usually not affect the long-term goal.

Obviously it is important to keep perspective.

Part of that is also allowing myself to appreciate the things that did go as planned, and sometimes even better.

There can be this weird taboo against ever appreciating or liking yourself because of pride, but that's a misunderstanding. Pride is when you think your good qualities and accomplishments make you better than other people. 

Constantly berating yourself is not humility.

If I were doing this too ambitiously and failing a lot, or if I were not allowing myself to adjust as a reasonable thing, this could be very damaging.

As it is, it has been affirming. I am accomplishing things I want to do and seeing my progress, and I feel good about it.

The Most Important Part

That's a dangerous title; when you have so many things that are important it is probably not useful to try and rank them.

For the purposes of this series of posts, though, there is a point, in that you have to feel it.

I feel like I have mostly completed going over where the gospel is logical and it is good. I had thought about spending some time on the good things about various commandments, and I still might, but there is still a point where the logic does not work if the feelings do not engage.

I am reading quite a bit about grief now. It is a common that painful things at least temporarily damage faith: God should not have let this happen!

These posts went over that too.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/02/agency.html

There can be good reasons to not go to church, and I do not intend to judge any of them. There can especially be specific environments where attending wounds the soul. It would be placing an unfair burden on the wounded to fix what is wrong there.

That's not what I am talking about.

This is again something that happens very naturally but is wrong.

Sometimes we don't seem to know what is good about righteous living, so we concentrate on fear of wickedness. 

(This is why I was thinking of extolling some of the commandments.)

In a case like this, it may be hard to feel the presence of God, or His love or approbation or any of the things that keep one going.

Fear does not tend to help you feel the Spirit.

I am going to refer to a book that I did not think was very good: Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence. I don't think it was actually about codependence, which was probably it's biggest weakness.

I read it, though, because someone I knew mentioned something she had learned from it: when a parent does not allow a child to have imperfections, it impedes their building a relationship with God.

We have to approach God in imperfection -- it's the way we exist -- and Earthly parental patterns can easily overlay our Heavenly ones.

Honestly, I am not sure exactly how I -- with my father as he is -- was able to build a good relationship with my Heavenly Father. It's kind of amazing.

I can only explain it in that He does reach out for us, and we can reach back.

So even if you have no desire to go to church, I hope you do desire a personal relationship with God. That relationship needs to be developed and preserved and obtained.

I know its value.

I know it is possible.

Individual paths may vary, but it can start with a desire, and with a question.

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/02/just-talking.html 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/03/changing-things-up-scripture-study.html

Ordinances for everyone

I have written a little about choosing already, but a different aspect.

That post was about choosing between domination and salvation, or recognizing the type of plan that we are given, and therefore how we have to live it.

For this post, it is more about committing to that choice, which we do via ordinances.

First, let me tell you about my own baptism. 

I was eight years old, and in many ways the strongest memories for me art the family friends from our previous ward coming over to support me, and the excitement about that. 

I do not remember much about feeling any change when it happened, but I do remember thinking that I would be totally clean so I would need to be very careful not to sin after that, and stay clean. 

I didn't last very long. I have never been a huge sinner (though recognizing the importance of any of our errors is very important) so I don't really remember what I did specifically, but it was probably squabbling with one of my sisters, or maybe not doing something one of my parents told me to do. Without remembering the specifics, I remember the lesson that good intentions don't always work out.

The fun part is, this puts my eight year old self on a similar level of spiritual maturity with Constantine the Great, whom tradition says waited until his deathbed for baptism, so that he would be in the least danger of polluting his soul again.

The better lesson from my story is just to accept that we will need repentance, and that should lead to gratitude for the plan and the atonement and Jesus Christ.

Maybe learning that makes it easier to understand other lessons there.

The decision to delay an ordinance in that way is based on fear, making it not work well as a sign of faith.  

I suspect that leaving that safety in place also affects how well you go about doing good. I mean, it's not counting yet, right? You are going to start counting later... that seems like it would really put a damper on things.

This is where we circle around to the where I started, about how beautiful it is that we do work for the dead:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/01/with-all-my-heart.html

The steps in the plan have their purposes and they matter, but the lack of availability of parts of the plan is not a permanent obstacle.

Everyone is capable of rising to the highest they can, but it does take choice.

There are many things that are hard about it, but it is also beautiful.

It also works, no matter how badly we children of God try to muck it up, which gets us back more to the things that I am normally writing about.

Regardless, God is good. 

I know that, and I will try and make my life show that, despite my many imperfections and how annoying so many people can be.

I will carry grace for you and for myself.