Some thoughts on ministering: methods

I was recently at a meeting with Relief Society presidency members in different wards. There was a lot of talk about ministering. 

I am not the only one who finds sisters who don't think that they are doing it and sisters who are not sure it is being done to them. People have a hard time with ambiguity.

When we were looking at a monthly home visit delivering a spiritual message, people knew whether or not they were doing that. Now, not so much. 

One person was saying that in the handbook the purpose is to help people along the covenant path. If it is about helping them progress, what if you have someone who is less solid ministering to someone who is more?

I have not conveyed that well, and that's also not exactly what the handbook says:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/general-handbook/21-ministering?lang=eng#p1 

Many people do talk about "the covenant path" a lot; it makes sense that looking at helping people, it could be distilled to that. 

As it is, if you are regularly accepting and trying to do callings in the church, you have probably had times when you knew you had abilities that you were bringing to a calling as well as times when you felt more lost, but where you grew, or maybe you felt weak but you still blessed others, or all of the above. That's just what you are aware of, which is not everything. You have probably helped or inspired some people without knowing, just by being faithful in trying to carry out your responsibilities.

Shortly after getting this calling, I read the entire handbook. My first goal was just to read the Relief Society parts, but then I felt like I needed more context.

There are far fewer specifics than you might hope for, especially if you have a hard time with ambiguity.

I hope you have also seen at times that there is help and guidance and that you can make a difference.

I hope you know that serving each other is among the most important things we do.

If you have ministering relationships where you check in by phone a lot, or text each other, or grab lunch together sometimes, or you drop by seasonal items, and if it is different with different people... that can all be fine.

There are a few things that I think can be helpful to keep in mind.

First of all, it is great if we all love and look out for each other, but it's just the way it works that some people are more open about their struggles than others. Breaking people down into routes and pairings ideally means that everyone has someone looking out for them. 

Part of good ministering would be that if one of your people needs help, they know that they can seek you out. That makes it not just whether they know that you care about them, but also whether they know that you have a role in looking out for them. 

Just saying "Hi" at church probably won't get that.

In addition, yes, some people are very vocal, but a lot of people hate asking for help. They feel weak, they feel embarrassed, they feel unworthy... so the next question becomes whether your interactions with them could allow you to realize when they need help, even without them asking.

"Help" can be such a loaded term, too.

The example that comes up the most frequently is when people need meals for a while, like maybe after surgery or a new baby. 

Years ago when it was mostly stay-at-home housewives who did all of the cooking, her being out of commission would have been a real disruption to meals. 

We aren't really there anymore.

There can be lots of other helps. I once called someone every night for a few weeks to help them get into the habit of getting to bed earlier. I have gone into an eye appointment with someone who was really intimidated by her eye doctor. Most people will not need those things.

Many people need rides at times, but that is not an area where I can ever be helpful. 

What about your people? 

Listening is huge. Knowing someone cares is huge. 

The other thing that I think can be really helpful is asking. 

Sure, we ask people "Is there anything I can do for you?" all the time. The most common answer is "No."

It can still be good to ask whether someone prefers phone calls or texts or e-mail messages. Would they like to meet at Dairy Queen? Would they like a walking buddy?

We don't think a lot about "consent" in the church, probably because we don't think it comes up that much for chaste people. People's preferences matter in non-sexual issues as well.

As hard as it can be to get people to admit their preferences, it's still worth checking, and listening for both what is said and not said.

The respect shown can be part of demonstrating that you care.

It is good to have people care about you. 

Talks from when ministering was first introduced:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2018/04/ministering?lang=eng  

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2018/04/be-with-and-strengthen-them?lang=eng 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2018/04/ministering-as-the-savior-does?lang=eng 

Some thoughts on ministering: interviews

As much as it would make sense to write about ministering before writing about interviews specifically, this is how things are coming to mind. 

I think about ministering a lot.

That was probably true before being called to the presidency, but now it comes up a lot more.

That is partly due to the ministering interviews. We are supposed to talk to the ministering sisters in our district quarterly.

That's a lot.

In theory, there are two sisters in a companionship, and you only need to talk to one of them each time. Based on that, you could be talking to each person twice a year, which sounds more reasonable. 

In reality, a lot of women don't have a companion, or they are ministering with their teenage daughter.

In reality, as hard as it can be to try and get a hold of everyone, and as quickly as time passes by, I really enjoy these conversations. I am getting to know the women in my district better and there is joy in that.

We recently updated the routes, so this quarter I am trying to make sure everyone knows about the changes; next quarter can be about seeing how those changes have been working out. 

Sneaky, huh?

Part of that is that this quarter I am trying to talk to everyone, not just one out of each companionship.

It often ends up that I am running late, doing interviews are happening in the last month of the quarter. Last month, I talked to most of my sisters in September. We got the changes in October and there I was coming around again.

In September, it occurred to me to ask, "Do you feel ministered to?"

Normally we are asking about how ministering is going. Are there any needs? Any concerns?

I thought that particular question might make people think differently.

One of the most interesting things were that a lot of people said "no", but when I told them who their ministering sisters were they said "yes".

A real issue that we have is that a lot of people feel like they are ministering as they say "hello" and things like that, but the person on the receiving end is not perceiving it as ministering.

An important part of that is that there are people who feel cared for by other people; we want that!

I hope I did not shatter anyone, causing them to think that the attention that they have been getting was not sincere.

We should all be loving and caring about each other, but there is also value in having it be someone's specific job to be a resource if help is needed.

One person who said "yes" right away had just had her ministering sister arrange for meals to be brought post-surgery. Even before that, her ministering sister was regularly talking to her and knew how she was doing. I knew that she would say "yes".

Sometimes it's not so obvious that we have needs. Someone might assume you are doing fine and be wrong. That doesn't automatically mean that they don't care.

This program can't be perfect; it's full of people.

It's still something that can work wonderfully. 

The part that almost didn't fit

Most of my talk had been about situations where the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, and I was being encouraging about that.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/10/empathy.html 

I am not sure that was the case with the rich young ruler.

I think about money a lot, and greed.

Maybe "greed" is not the right word, but when you have people being so judgmental about the poor, and where actions that create economic inequality and suffering are justified based on people needing to work, even though they do work... and this is among Christians!

I mean, it's a sore spot. 

Still, I had used a lot of examples of people offering to do things and being turned away, probably because they aren't ready for it.

In this case, the rich young ruler is asking what to do. He is given an easy out, but persists, then gets told to give away all of his possessions and follow Jesus.

When you think of all of those people who had made that request and been denied, it could be construed as an honor. 

That is probably the wrong way of thinking. Still, it would be saying, "You can do this." That is not the same as saying, "This will be easy for you; you are going to crush it," but it is saying that he would be capable.

He doesn't want to give away all of his possessions.

It doesn't say that he had objections to following Jesus, per se, just that "... he went away sorrowful for he had great possessions." (Matthew 19:22)

I guess that could still be an example of the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak, but it seems more like the spirit is not that willing.

I admit now that there are things I wonder about it. For example, what if he had tried to follow but kept his possessions?

I can see where it might be harder to keep having to go and preach and face rejection and maybe hunger and hard beds when you know you don't have to.

I do have some thought about asking for what you need to do, getting a firm answer, and then not doing it, but I still think it's good to search and know. You just need to be prepared and follow through.

I admit, though, that when I had to mention it in my talk it was because of that stupid wreath-making class:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/03/retirement-and-responsibility.html 

That I was thinking about it before didn't surprise me, but I didn't think it would make it into the talk. When I was actually up there, I had to mention it.

I said how if you had gotten the advice to give away all of your possessions, that would be very hard to follow and then people would judge you for following it. 

We put so much fear around money and not having enough, but it turns people into hoarders. Nope, it's not the piles of possessions blocking pathways and becoming fire hazards. Instead the hoard is balance sheets of numbers you may never touch or use, when it could bless people right now.

My ward covers a fairly small area, but it contains run down apartments by the railroad tracks and spacious homes on Cooper Mountain.

I know it is not my job to figure out anyone's finances or what their retirement plans should be or how large their homes should be. Hey, we just got back from vacation.

I do think everyone should ask themselves those questions.

Since the world's wisdom leans in one definite direction that is wrong, they should probably also ask God those questions.

There are a lot of people who could use help right now.  

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/10/old-bag-with-extra-baggage.html  

Happiness

While I didn't use the source talk a lot, there was one part that I did.

Remember, the talk was "Joy Through Covenant Discipleship" by Elder John A. McCune:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2025/04/46mccune?lang=eng 

He told various stories, about a mission president who carried warmth with him that people felt, and a woman who responded to that warmth when that mission president invited her to church. He told about how happy that woman's children were as they learned about commandments like tithing and felt that they needed to live them. 

He also told about the kindness and love extended by President Nelson on the same day that he lost a daughter to cancer. 

Many of these posts have been about how we are imperfect and that is normal and fine and it works out. As I think has also been clear, that can still be hard. 

I have heard people talk about how church membership gives you a lot of work. I don't see that as a downside, but I guess I do get that. When there are too many things that I want to get to, and I don't feel capable, that is frustrating.

There is also a lot of joy.

I had mentioned in one of the earlier posts how I can see hitting a plateau being a problem with spiritual growth, but as you keep getting new callings there is the opportunity for continued growth.

Again, it has been such a delight to get to know various women better and to relate to them.

Often we are relating about struggles. That's okay. I believe the struggle feels easier when you no longer thing that you are the only one. 

We'd had a member of the stake presidency visiting us when I spoke. He came up to me after and said that a lot of people felt the same way, worried about being enough. It is easy to not know that, but then once you become aware, you see it everywhere, and you also see that their efforts can be blessed and be enough, regardless.

I was at a meeting last week and a scripture came up that mentioned serving "with all your might".

My initial thought was that I have no might, but then, instead of "might" I gravitated on the "your".

Okay, my might is that while there are often things that I can't carry, I can sometimes still get them into place by shoving them.

I can be remarkably stubborn, which we can also call persistent to make it sound nicer.

My gift is not stamina, or smoothness or great musical skill or physical beauty or any kind of athleticism.

I am really smart, and good at working with data, and I love easily and listen well and I actually do have a lot of gifts that I can use to serve the people around me and God.

That brings me joy.

There are things that get me down. One pretty bad one that has been ongoing for a while now kicked up a notch last week. Do not think I didn't feel it.

I have still been strengthened and cared for, and life goes on.

Actually, one of my gifts is a fairly resilient emotional health, where I can roll with the punches pretty well. I know that there are people who have a harder time, and I am sorry for that.

I hope that there are people who care for you and help you.

I believe that you have your own gifts that can also help in different ways.

Those may not always be easy to figure out, but the joy in that is worth at least trying. 

 

Serving imperfectly

In general, the second counselor in the Relief Society presidency is over the activities during the week, with the first counselor focusing on the Sunday meetings. You have other people you work with, like teachers and music people for Sundays, and the Relief Society activities committee activities during the week.

(I hope all of this lore is interesting, as well as making some of these stories make more sense.)

I mention that because the head of the activities committee moved shortly before an upcoming activity (and shortly before I spoke). The new committee leader had not been called yet.

For that interim, I was in charge. There wasn't too much planning to do, but it felt very important to me to work on inviting more people. We don't get a lot of people at the activities. The ones who come seem to enjoy them, and that's the most important thing, but are there people who would benefit from coming that aren't there?

Anyway, inviting people seemed important. 

Normally my pattern is that there will be announcements and flyers on Sunday, an e-mail announcement two weeks before, a post in the Facebook group one week before, and then one last e-mail the day before. Is that the best way of doing it? I don't know, but it seems like a good amount of reminding without being too much.

This time I also sent cards to some people with flyers in them, and I talked to people and gave them flyers, and I think there was at least one text and one Facebook message to individuals too. What I know for sure is that of those extra steps, three people whom I personally handed flyers to came. Of those three, two of them are always there anyway. Did I sway one person? Probably not.

I mentioned this part in the talk, because if my purpose was to get more people to come to that activity, I failed.

However, if my purpose was to reach out to people to let them know I was thinking of them, or to remind them that these activities exist and attending is an option, or even for me that, "Hey, sometimes you're a little socially awkward and you could use the practice," then maybe I was successful.

It could be all of those.

Like I said, I will want to write more about ministering, but I was talking with one person who ministers to someone who was going through a bout of depression, which has been a recurring problem for her. No matter what she does, the person she is ministering to will still have depression. They can still have depression and know that you thought about them.

We have imperfect means and imperfect knowledge, so our attempts are most likely also going to be imperfect. 

They can still be helpful and beautiful.

Sometimes they can even be exactly right for the need at that time.   

Empathy

One of the most important parts in my talk, I think, was referencing the man in the Gadarenes from whom the demons were cast out. I did not remember writing about it before.

In fact, I had referenced it twice, in May 2017:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/05/trying-to-be-like-jesus-time-to-heal.html 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/05/trying-to-be-like-jesus-potential.html 

Naturally, this was when I was writing about trying to be like Jesus, so I went over many, many things; I wouldn't expect to remember them all. Some incidents struck me more at the time, while I was aware of other incidents and people that related.

I am going to try and recreate the thinking, and where it changed. Remember, the talk was about discipleship. Sometimes just looking at things through a different lens makes the difference.

One thing I had noticed before was how the method Jesus used for healing blind people changed multiple times. I did write about it in 2017, but I had noticed it earlier:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/04/trying-to-be-like-jesus-healing-blind.html 

While I can't rule out that they had different forms of or causes for their blindness, I tended to think it was more about giving them spiritual as well as physical healing.

For example, the man who kept clamoring more loudly (and there are some details that blur between the two men and Bartimaeus, so I don't want to be too specific there), that indicated he already strongly believed in the Lord's power and had a desire for healing that would persist in the face of opposition, as people told him to quiet down.

Maybe that's why it was so instant, whereas the man blind from birth did not know what was happening. Instead, he had a chance to grow in knowledge and testify of it gradually.

Regardless, it was looking at that that made me look at any interactions with Jesus knowing that he knew the other person's needs and intent on their welfare. This also meant empathy and an understanding of what they were ready to accept.

So when he is discouraging people volunteering to follow him, or telling the Syrophenician woman he will not heal her daughter (though he does, just with some more teaching), there are things that can seem harsh to us as onlookers. They quite possibly felt harsh to the people in those encounters, but that I have to believe were ultimately designed for their good.

That is loving as Jesus loved.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2025/09/as-i-have-loved-you.html 

Then, the other thing that I had really taken to heart back in 2017 was writing about 3 Nephi 17:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2017/02/trying-to-be-like-jesus-3-nephi-17.html 

The people had taken in as much teaching as they could absorb, so he wanted to give them a rest, but they didn't want him to leave. With compassion he found another way to engage with them, healing, ministering to their children, and loving them without taxing their minds further, even though there was going to be time for that later, after they had rested.

That is what led me back to the country of the Gadarenes.

We don't know anything about him, or how he became possessed in the first place, but we do know that once healed he wanted to follow Jesus. He apparently was not in any shape to do so, but, from Luke 8...

38 Now the man out of whom the devils were departed besought him that he might be with him: but Jesus sent him away, saying,

39 Return to thine own house, and shew how great things God hath done unto thee. And he went his way, and published throughout the whole city how great things Jesus had done unto him.

40 And it came to pass, that, when Jesus was returned, the people gladly received him: for they were all waiting for him.

He still did what he was asked.

He was asked only for something of which he was capable.

He still did good things with his assignment.

Is that not being a disciple? 

My thorn

In fact, neither my not driving nor my being unemployed ended up being big issues for the calling. Perhaps one lesson from that is that our worries are not always good predictors of the future. 

It doesn't stop new worries from coming. 

Currently the most stressful thing in my life is an inability to focus on my schoolwork.

All the emotions come in there: fear, anger, frustration, embarrassment. 

I have alluded to this before, and trying to change the way I think about it. It remains a problem. 

Procrastinating homework goes way back for me.

I used to attribute it to things coming really easily for me, so I didn't develop good study habits. I have been through multiple rounds of reforming and getting better. I know that I can.

I have thought that I was lazy, but other things show that I am not.  

I think it is more emotional. It isn't just school because it comes up with other responsibilities too.

I will have something I need to do, but it's like I have a mental block and I can't make myself do it. A common pattern is that I will try to just play some Spider Solitaire or something as a quick distraction, but then it isn't quick; it's a time sink. Hours later and I am still not done -- maybe having been thinking the whole time how I need to stop -- and I am telling myself how stupid I am, which is really not productive.

I call this state being "itchy and twitchy". 

I am sure there are issues with dopamine hits, and probably with connection, based on some other things I have read. Anxiety and my brain's specific neurology can play a role.

I have a very demanding schedule to complete my courses this term.

Frankly, it would be impossible if I were employed. Having extra time is good, but I still need to use it productively.

I have been having lots of thoughts and learning, understanding myself better, though still not enough to be fixed.

I have also been praying for a fix, but that has not happened.

That has also been a source of frustration, but I read something recently about healing. One thing referenced Paul.

2 Corinthians 12 

7 ... there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Okay, I am allowed to be imperfect, and it is not the end of the world. I still need to get these assessments done. 

I have been making slow progress. I get some things done, but there are always more undone.

I am trying to be grateful for what is done. There is growth, but then I am like, so that's it? I have one thing done out of seven and there are more added every day, getting further behind? That's supposed to be okay?!?

Yes. Good job. 

You can do more tomorrow.

Okay. 

It feels very important to be here.

It have written more about this on the other blog, but several years ago there were three aspects to me that I realized had specific importance to me: caregiver, writer, and historian. I reflected on what combining those would mean, and even though "teacher" seemed like a logical destination -- and my course of study is education -- what I felt was "healer".

Maybe it is that my broken places are going to heal. 

All of which may seem like a digression, but it is this frustration with our weaknesses and our Savior's understanding of them that leads to the next section of my talk and next week's post.