Readiness

About a year ago I started picking one card out of a deck each week and letting it inspire some journal writing:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/02/2024-new-52.html 

While I knew starting out what the different suits would represent (hearts=love, clubs=growth and gardening, diamonds=money and spades=death), the numbers were more variable. It would depend on how things felt when I drew it.

Last Sunday there were only two cards left. The one I drew was the two of spades.

Two has not stood for my parents before, if for no other reason than that they have not been a unit for many years. Last week, it clearly stood for the death of my parents.

It made sense at the time. While Mom's eventual death has been hanging over me for a while, she had a fall the week before and needed to be transported. While she has clear Do Not Resuscitate orders through the POLST registry, there are situations that require decisions. I found myself talking to a doctor about how to best honor those wishes.

Usually it is a comfort to me that she made those decisions when she was able to, and I totally recommend having your parents do that. It was not a source of comfort right then.

(Fortunately the doctor was great. We ended up deciding that they would X-ray her hand but not do an MRI or CAT scan, and that seems to have been fine.)

In addition, while I have been estranged from my father for some time, I do still hear things through other relatives. He was getting more frail and likely to need more care soon. 

I had been thinking that maybe I would need to engage with him. Maybe I would have the emotional bandwidth after Mom's death, but I still wasn't looking forward to it. 

My reasons for remaining estranged were always that it would take too much out of me without doing him any good, but I had always known that things could change. 

I have written about my relationship with my father before, but I don't think I have written that I had in mind to try and finish all the daughter and trauma books (two separate reading lists, both pertinent) by Father's Day. Then if I did need to be in touch with him again, I would be as prepared as possible. 

Then I drew the two of spades. 

It was not a new thought -- I have had to think of this many times. I wrote about that, and the possibility that he might die before we reconcile, and that I could be okay with that. Not engaging with him still felt like the best thing. Without knowing the future I could only go by what seemed best.

He died Friday.

I was not expecting him to go before Mom. I have put the majority of my death preparation into her. 

My primary feeling is relief.

There are some other things that I am not going to get into here, but primarily it is that he will not have to face going into assisted living, which I believe he would have hated. 

I don't have a Father's Day deadline anymore for being ready to deal with more trauma. That is kind of a relief. 

I would have done it. If it had felt like I could help or he needed it, I would have made it work somehow, but this is easier, and I need all the breaks I can get.

I thought it would be a lot harder to adjust, but that journal session last Sunday really helped. I didn't know how important it was going to be. I had been picking cards for 51 weeks, but it had felt like a good thing to do when I started.

I write a lot about believing that we can get guidance. It may not always be obvious, but it helps.

I think some of the others sessions have been helpful, but this is definitely the most striking.

That is drawing to a close, and other things will come that will be opportunities for review and for growth and for learning what I need to know and do.

I hope you will all find things that work for you.

And if anyone is wondering, the last card is the ten of spades, which seems to indicate massive death and loss, so obviously about the incoming administration. I guess it's good I'm writing about it before the inauguration.

Related posts: 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/10/on-paternal-side.html  

It was for me all along

Let me preface with two things:

1. I always assume that my blogging is for helping me to clarify my own thoughts, specifically by spelling them out in a way where they make sense to someone else.
2. If something turns out to be helpful for you anyway, that's great.

That being said, the way the point of my recent thoughts has been evading me feels a little ironic.

I have written recently about the things you have to do: 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/12/the-things-you-have-to-do.html 

I have also written about counting the cost beforehand:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/12/counting-cost-part-2.html 

I had grasped that if you know that you don't have the resources to do something, you probably shouldn't do it.

I had grasped that there are things that you need to do even knowing that they are going to be hard. 

I had missed knowing you have to do something that is hard and trying to plan ahead for that.

That particular oversight makes sense for me.

In the past, my tendency has been to try and keep my head down and push through when things are hard. I had realized that wasn't always the right strategy recently (though I believe that was during a journal session), but hadn't really had a chance to put doing things differently into practice.

I have thought that sometimes it is better not to think about it too much.

I thought that about being my mother's full-time caregiver. I knew it was the right thing to do, so I was going to do it. At the time, I had no idea that would last four years and that it would change with her going into memory care rather than with her death.

I have also thought that it was better not knowing. If I could have foreseen how depleted it would leave me -- financially, yes, but not only financially -- I believe I would still have done it because I knew it was right, but there would have been a lot more fear and worry at the beginning.

However, what if I had been able to think about it, realize that money and respite would be issues, and had conversations about them early on?

Those discussions happened later, as big angry fights that were ultimately productive but not fun. 

It would have been hard no matter what (I think there still would have been some anger and fighting), but maybe some of it could have been alleviated by thinking it through beforehand.

I still wouldn't have known how long it would take, but maybe some resources could have been accessed sooner. 

Asking for help does end up being in there, but it is more than that. 

If I can reference one more post, since the election I have felt pulled in different directions and having a hard time deciding where to focus:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/11/art-therapy.html

That has been largely due to uncertainty about how certain things will unfold and what resources I will have.

Putting this together might be what allows me to move forward.

You say you want a resolution

It's getting to be time for New Year's resolutions again.

I have thought about various recommendations I could make, applying my years of studying emergency preparedness to how the future might look when you have a chaotic evil administration coming into power. 

(Yes, their level of chaos may very well mean that infighting will knock out some of them before they have a chance to do much damage. There are so many of them -- and so bent on destruction and exploitation -- that even if Vivek and Elon end up out before they are in, the larger problem remains.)

I could give you ideas, but some of them will be beyond your power. Some of them may sound counterproductive. There is also the chance that some of them might be perfectly reasonable for another person and not be good for you.

The point is then to choose things that are right for you. We don't judge other people for not being able to do some things. We are kind to ourselves about our abilities at this time, knowing times will change.

We know that there are worldly standards that can be not merely impractical but actually destructive.

We know that we can get guidance and inspiration.

My biggest ticket item would be to get solar panels. More specifically, it would be getting them with a battery backup system instead of being solely tied to the grid. That way it would not just be a way of saving money on ever-rising utility costs and attempting to be kinder to the environment, but also a way of not having to worry about power outages. 

It is the biggest-ticket item because not only would it involve the panel installation, but for practical purposes our electrical would have to be rewired (really already a need) and the roof would have to be replaced (not quite already a need, but getting closer). That all is just not in my power at this time.

If it is something you could do, well, it might be a good thing to do.

Here is a counterintuitive one that does not apply to me at all: stop living with people who don't even like or respect you.

After the election, a lawyer commented about suddenly a lot of women coming in and filing for divorce. November is usually a slow time of year for that, but the numbers were exceeding the more normally busy times of year.

On a similar note, gynecologists are swamped right now, with a lot of people requesting more permanent forms of birth control (including sterilization) and trying to get it done before the inauguration. They are worried that they won't be able to do it at all, or be able to deal with what may happen after.

I am sure it is the same type of concern that is leading to the divorce filings, but I am equally sure that there had been growing unhappiness.

I remember at one time thinking about how we need to teach young women better about what to look for before deciding whom to marry. That was still thinking that making a good choice and then being good to each other would be enough. I had not counted on the recent influences where there are men who are becoming much worse about showing any respect or affection for women or gratitude for what their partners do.

That would be a hard realization, and it could be even harder to realize that it will not be fixed by your efforts. 

So am I advocating for divorce? Maybe. If talking or therapy or anything like that work, great. It would be better to improve a relationship than to lose it. 

That being said, I don't need the grinding demoralization that would come with living with someone who is actively growing to hate you. Then, sometimes part of their continued worsening is becoming violent. That is not something that is helped by staying for the sake of the children.

Individual circumstances vary greatly, but that might be something both needed and hard.

Finally, one of the most popular resolutions for a new year is to start working out.

Well, it's not really working out so much as losing weight, and I have already written about that.

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2023/02/the-weight.html

Those issues are important, because it is the way health is perceived to be tied to weight that makes this a perilous goal. 

I feel like it would be a good idea to become stronger and build stamina. Exercising should be a reasonable path toward that.

Someone who has struggled with an eating disorder might have the same desire, but find that trying to achieve goals that are related to fitness, and set with fitness in mind, still find their disordered eating coming back.

Is this a helpful post at all? Ummmm...

Life is hard, and probably going to get harder. We can do a lot to make it easier for each other. We should still strive to improve. We need to be realistic. Sometimes there is value in trying and failing.

Let's all be kind.

Ultimately, all of these goals are about trying for something better. Kindness is a good path toward that. 

The things you have to do

Let me preface this by saying that I don't believe all of our trials are specifically designed by God in a micromanaged way. That would be unnecessary, and as the world gets harder it would start feeling pretty sadistic. The problem is really people.

That being said, I do believe that there can be specific situations where -- for one reason or another -- there are things you need to do before you can move on.

For example, I worked at K-mart during high school (after working at McDonalds). Shortly after I graduated, I had a friend working at Burlington Coat Factory and wanted to work with her. I applied there and gave my notice to K-mart, confident I would be hired.

With my mind out the door already, I remember deliberately saying something deprecatory about the store and management within earshot of the big manager.

Then Burlington did not call back. 

To be fair, management was pretty bad, especially Debbie, but it was Debbie I needed to call and see about getting my job back. That phone call was pretty humbling and I would need to change to come back. 

Burlington called after that.

(And then Linda there was worse than Debbie, but had less power. Otherwise management was not bad, but it's still retail, you know?)

Leaving K-Mart was a reasonable thing, and I didn't say anything untrue. It was unwise and jerky and immature to make that comment within earshot of Mr. Taber. I think I needed to learn that.

This current job hunt had not been going well.

It's not just that I wasn't getting hired. It's not just that I had given up on finding a job I wouldn't hate and started applying at call centers again. It was more that I was not hearing back at all, even on the jobs that weren't so great. The messages that tell you that they are going in another direction are discouraging, but applying into the void and not even getting an echo is it's own bad feeling.

This next part gets very personal, but recent experiences are showing me that there is a real lack of understanding between people in different economic classes, which perpetuates some problems. I don't think I can talk about that well enough yet to not alienate people.

So, my savings are gone. Even with help from my sisters, I am three months behind on the house payment and electric bill. I went to ask the bishop for help.

I had been feeling like I should but avoiding it; maybe I would hear something. Maybe there would be another solution.

I talked to him on Sunday. Monday I heard back on two applications.

One said that they are going in an other direction, but the other wanted an interview and they have scheduled a second interview.

Would that have happened anyway, even if I hadn't asked? Could I have delayed any more without the power being shut off? I don't know, but if you feel you need to do something, it is probably best to just get it over with. Maybe there is something you need to learn.

In this case, I think I am already pretty mature, but I am not great at asking for help. I may be a slow learner on that one.

This post may also be a good prelude for a completely different thing that I feel I need to do. I shall post about that on the main blog on Tuesday. 

Counting the cost, part 2

In thinking about ways of getting more prepared, I keep banging my head against possibilities.

For example, I expect supply chain disruptions, so I think stocking up on necessities would be a good idea.

I am so broke. 

I could think about think about things that it would be good to have, but there may not be much point to that thinking.

I am not as worried about that as I could be. There is a real frustration to being broke and not hearing back on job applications -- that is totally discouraging -- but at this point I am not despairing over not having a year's supply of food and toiletries and clothing and two week's supply of water. That could change, but it doesn't feel like the priority for now.

One part of that is that I do believe in intuition and inspiration. We can all receive guidance and it will not lead us all in the same direction, even for similar circumstances.

The other part of that is understanding that some of us have more resources than others, and that gives us different opportunities.

For example, Nassau County in New York enacted a ban on face masks. You can imagine how I would feel about that.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/12/wear-damn-mask.html 

Often the people who are most aware of the need for masking are disabled. Based on other problems with our society, they are often also poor. They might not be the people best able to risk challenging a mask ban.

People who have money and connections could often be the most useful. They rarely are, but they could be.

The questions I keep asking myself lately are what am I supposed to do and what lack I yet.

"What lack I yet?" comes from the story of the rich young man told in Matthew 19. He was an essentially righteous person, but felt that he needed more. Jesus diagnosed him as being too attached to his wealth, but also capable of great service and probably leadership. He said, "If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me."

That's not going to be the answer for everyone, but is there something you are not thinking about that you could be doing? Is there more that you have to give?

Then the other part of that is not to judge others. 

It might be very wise to start building up a food storage now, or to have had one that you were rotating all along, but there are people who can't do it. Are you going to decide that they have been unwise and feel superior, or are you going to acknowledge that for all of the good decisions you have made, you do not have full control over what choices you are presented?

The latter should helps us grow in gratitude for what we have and compassion for others.

If you do not have those, that is something that you lack.

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/11/emergency-preparedness-redux.html 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2024/12/counting-cost.html  

Changing frames

On Sundays I go over the previous week and figure out what I want to accomplish in the upcoming week.

I always have lots to do, and I do not always estimate how long some things will take. This can be a source of frustration.

Last week I got more done than usual. I hoped it signaled turning a corner and getting better at this.

That is not how it worked out.

One thing I had not gotten done was this assignment for school that was just taking forever. It involved fifty definitions and open questions, going over design process models, learning approaches, and psychological philosophies related to learning. I didn't think it would be fast, but I had to keep adjusting my expectations.

I haven't officially gone over this week yet, but it feels like completing the paper is the only thing I accomplished this week. I can probably still finish a book and send a friend e-mail, but it's going to look pretty weak by comparison.

Fortunately, there were some interesting thoughts on weakness in Sunday school last week.

We were talking about Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Brother Taylor, who works in mental health, said that he often has to help people reframe how they think. It is common to interpret it as us overcoming the weakness. For example, we are impatient, so we work on that and eventually we become patient. Maybe instead we learn to use impatience as a strength, like maybe we are impatient with injustice.

Right before he said that I had been thinking about how some people channel their ADHD. It was an interesting way of looking at it.

One thing that has often seemed to be a weakness for me is that sometimes I just can't settle down when I need to focus. I often relate it to procrastination, but there are things I suddenly have to look up, or check on, and getting down to the task at hand is very difficult.

(This was on my mind more because of the assignment.) 

Another thing I have thought of as a weakness is that when I am on task for something, I have a hard time reacting to interruptions. This is often more social, where I have in mind someone that I need to talk to about something, or even an errand in a store, and un unplanned social interaction presents itself and I have a hard time switching into that mode and conversing. I have thought of this more as social awkwardness.

Maybe, though, my focus can be very good, and my remembering and being interested in many things can be very good, as long as I can get them to play nicely with each other.

Maybe they won't even be weaknesses if they can learn to take turns. 

There aren't strong conclusions to be drawn here, but what I hope this does contain is encouragement to think positively about your own quirks and hope that there can be good ways of harnessing them.

If we harness our powers against injustice, so much the better. 

Counting the cost

This post is going to wander. 

I have been thinking about things like navigating when you might take back someone you cut off, or at least whom you have called out, and they want to make things right. How do you talk about doing the work?

I have also been thinking about emergency preparedness and protest and planning for things. 

There is also an apparently very diverse topic in mind on how older men should consider whether a relationship would be harmful to a young woman, even if she is pursuing and legal.

Then Bob Bryar died. 

Well, it's more that his body was found. He had apparently been dead for about three weeks.

If you don't know, Bob Bryar was the second drummer for My Chemical Romance, a band that has been very important to me. That's a whole different story. 

He has been out of the band for some time -- not on great terms -- and had gone full MAGA. He posted a lot of ugly things, mostly racist but not limited to racism. He deleted a lot of those posts, but he was alienating people pretty hard. 

A welfare check on his dogs led to the discovery of his body. With the state of decomposition, I am not sure how easy it will be to determine what happened.

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/bob-bryar-former-my-chemical-romance-drummer-obituary-1235187261/ 

It made me think about another friend who has been melting down worse and worse. People have been asking if he is okay, but he wasn't responding, though he was still posting new things. I checked, and he has deleted his Facebook account.

I believe his family will at least try and keep tabs on him. I don't know whether they can do enough, but I at least think that if the worst happens, he will be found quickly. I know people for whom that wasn't true.

I am not changing my stance that there are times when it is best to cut people off. There are people that are dangerous, there are people that are draining, there are people that are toxic... you do not have to subject yourself to that.

There may also be times when it is worth it to hang in there. 

What I am really saying is that it makes a lot of sense to spend some time taking an inventory. What are you worried about? What are your resources? What are you not prepared for?

To give an example, my blood sugar has been a little more erratic lately. I have been reading a lot about protest, and things that can be effective. Sometimes that involves arrests, and that seems like a really bad idea for me health-wise. 

I thought this post would be about deciding on taking back someone you had cut off, but there can be that before step too: if you do cut them off, do they have other support? What is the loss to you? What is the gain? Would there be something you couldn't live with? What would need to be different?

While it seems more mundane, it's not a bad idea to think about if someone you care about disappears off social media. Would you have a way to contact them? I haven't had a number for Eli for a long time. I'm not saying I would be the most effective person to reach out, but I don't have the option either way.

I've always been a fan of thinking about things. It is more recently that I have understood the value of harm reduction, but it is important.

Other people may not agree with your choices.

When I kept prioritizing my mother's well-being over various needs or wants for me, I had one friend who kept trying to change my mind. There were things I needed to change, like regularly scheduling respite, and I am not denying it took a toll; that toll is still felt. However, I have lived up to what I felt was needed, and I can live with that. I don't regret that.

A different friend tried very hard to convince me that I would regret not being in contact with my father, especially if he died. I know I will have unhappy feelings, but this feels right for me.

It would not have been right for her, but her relationship with her father was completely different, even though it still had its problems.  

As much as the future is unknown, there are things we can guess and tell and have concerns about despite uncertainty. 

I encourage you to spend some time thinking about your priorities and abilities. While doing that, please carry kindness and grace in those thoughts, for yourself and for others. 

Luke 14:

28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?

29 Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him,

30 Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.

31 Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand?

32 Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace.