Short one today, but I often get frustrated when something that is repeated a lot, so that really everyone should know and have it down, has not actually entered the general consciousness. There are many, many areas where this comes up, but the one that it makes the most sense to bring up for the preparedness blog, and to bring up in summer, is this very obvious thing:
Jumping into cold water on a hot day can kill you.
Sure, that may sound like an oversimplification. Obviously some people do it without dying. It's kind of rough to be the person that does die, though, and in addition to the trauma suffered by the people who care about you and the complete strangers who are in the area, and have their day ruined, sometimes people die in rescue attempts as well. Have some consideration for those around you, and don't do anything stupid.
Of course, don't do anything stupid is not terribly specific, so we can expound on this a little. The big one, and it seems to be the one that people take into account the least, related to the difference between water temperature and air temperature. Water does not heat up as quickly as air. It does not cool down as quickly either, but that part is less of an issue.
On a warm day, going suddenly from very warm to very cold can send you into shock. Shock is treatable, if dangerous, but going into shock in water means that you are now in danger of drowning. You may just sink, or you may get caught in a current, and not be able to help yourself.
I guess there is a loss of fun spontaneity when you don't just jump right in, but there is a lot to be said for checking out the water first. It gives you a chance to adjust to the cold temperature, and to check for hazards. Many people have suffered spinal cord injuries while diving. Even if you have been in that spot previously, you can't assume that nothing has changed. Water is all about change.
So, those things seem very obvious. We lose swimmers and divers every year, in the same spots and in the same way, and there is just no need for it.
Also too obvious to mention, but I will do it anyway, watch children, and make them wear life jackets, and remember that alcohol impairs your ability for everything.
Now for something not well-known or obvious, that should be seen more:
http://www.rd.com/advice/parenting/8-quiet-signs-of-someone-drowning/
I love swimming, and it can be a lot of fun. It just requires a little bit of thoughtfulness.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Preparing to give compliments
Last week one of the trends on Twitter was #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay. As it was trending, this indicated that many people were using the tag while telling girls they were beautiful, which was great. I thought of a few girls specifically to wish it to, and I did. Most of them were really appreciative, and I believe it was helpful, so I was glad of that.
Other people put comments out there like how it should be done every day, that we should be valuing girls for reasons other than their physical appearance, or how it was an excuse to ogle women and make inappropriate comments. Those are all interesting points, but possibly missing the point.
It is a very natural thing for a person to want to feel that their physical appearance is pleasing. The pressure for this is worse on young women, and I just don't know any who are happy with the way they look.
And so many of them are so pretty! If they were looking at someone else with those looks, they would think she was beautiful, but they just can't think that way about the self. Some of that is conditioning that liking yourself is vain, and then you are stuck up and awful, and some of that is the advertising industry that spells out every thing that is wrong with you and requires a product to fix, and some of it is negative reinforcement from peers. The overall message is that girls need to be pretty, and that no girl is allowed to feel pretty, which isn't really great for anyone, though some take it harder than others.
And, yes, there are qualities more important than looks, but so many girls have a hard time feeling good about any other qualities too, and you can't force a girl to feel good about herself. (I also know that there are boys who struggle with this as well, but the system is stacked against girls worse at this point, and it's the point of view I understand best.)
So, the first thing to understand is that as much as the girl may want and need to feel good about herself, that she is pleasing and good, she may be very resistant to the idea. She may feel obligated to contradict you. If she is out of that stage, where she knows she should thank you, and she should not show you that she is internally screaming about how wrong you are, this compliment is very stressful.Even if she is fairly well adjusted, making too big a deal of it will probably be uncomfortable.
This may sound like you should just avoid the whole fiasco, but don't. Because we only see our own inner struggles, most of us look better to everyone else, and sometimes it can be really helpful to get that outside view. The issue is then to be as effective in your praise-giving as possible. Being simple and specific really helps.
Some people like overdoing it. "You're perfect!" "You're gorgeous!" "I'm so jelly!" Going this route may work sometimes, but it is often too much. Whatever other doubts the listener may have, they are absolutely certain that they are not perfect, and if they are so gorgeous, shouldn't that be bringing people to them? Why are they so alone? Because it is so unbelievable, it increases their need to contradict.
However, they might believe that their hair looks great, or that they have pretty eyes, or that something is a good color on them. They may not be able to accept "so smart", while being able to accept "you did a good job on this project."
Staying specific is less grandiose, which helps make it easier to accept, but it is also more personalized. I have to really be paying attention to notice that your shirt matches your eyes, or that you have a nice voice. "Perfect" doesn't really require much thought.
And, don't make too much of a deal of it. If the subject of the compliment goes into full contradiction mode, it's okay to just smile and say, "Well I thought so" and move on. You probably aren't going to transform anyone with one comment, but enough people caring, paying attention, and affirming the good they find could change the world.
Other people put comments out there like how it should be done every day, that we should be valuing girls for reasons other than their physical appearance, or how it was an excuse to ogle women and make inappropriate comments. Those are all interesting points, but possibly missing the point.
It is a very natural thing for a person to want to feel that their physical appearance is pleasing. The pressure for this is worse on young women, and I just don't know any who are happy with the way they look.
And so many of them are so pretty! If they were looking at someone else with those looks, they would think she was beautiful, but they just can't think that way about the self. Some of that is conditioning that liking yourself is vain, and then you are stuck up and awful, and some of that is the advertising industry that spells out every thing that is wrong with you and requires a product to fix, and some of it is negative reinforcement from peers. The overall message is that girls need to be pretty, and that no girl is allowed to feel pretty, which isn't really great for anyone, though some take it harder than others.
And, yes, there are qualities more important than looks, but so many girls have a hard time feeling good about any other qualities too, and you can't force a girl to feel good about herself. (I also know that there are boys who struggle with this as well, but the system is stacked against girls worse at this point, and it's the point of view I understand best.)
So, the first thing to understand is that as much as the girl may want and need to feel good about herself, that she is pleasing and good, she may be very resistant to the idea. She may feel obligated to contradict you. If she is out of that stage, where she knows she should thank you, and she should not show you that she is internally screaming about how wrong you are, this compliment is very stressful.Even if she is fairly well adjusted, making too big a deal of it will probably be uncomfortable.
This may sound like you should just avoid the whole fiasco, but don't. Because we only see our own inner struggles, most of us look better to everyone else, and sometimes it can be really helpful to get that outside view. The issue is then to be as effective in your praise-giving as possible. Being simple and specific really helps.
Some people like overdoing it. "You're perfect!" "You're gorgeous!" "I'm so jelly!" Going this route may work sometimes, but it is often too much. Whatever other doubts the listener may have, they are absolutely certain that they are not perfect, and if they are so gorgeous, shouldn't that be bringing people to them? Why are they so alone? Because it is so unbelievable, it increases their need to contradict.
However, they might believe that their hair looks great, or that they have pretty eyes, or that something is a good color on them. They may not be able to accept "so smart", while being able to accept "you did a good job on this project."
Staying specific is less grandiose, which helps make it easier to accept, but it is also more personalized. I have to really be paying attention to notice that your shirt matches your eyes, or that you have a nice voice. "Perfect" doesn't really require much thought.
And, don't make too much of a deal of it. If the subject of the compliment goes into full contradiction mode, it's okay to just smile and say, "Well I thought so" and move on. You probably aren't going to transform anyone with one comment, but enough people caring, paying attention, and affirming the good they find could change the world.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Preparing to take a life
This title is somewhat of a misnomer. I don't actually want you to take a life. However, I think it happens too often when people are not prepared. Also, I might be sounding a little harsher because I am angry.
I am angry that George Zimmerman was acquitted. By stalking Trayvon Martin on his way home, by getting out of his car, despite the advice of the 9-1-1 operator, Zimmerman created the situation. Even if things happened exactly as he said they did once out of the car (which I doubt), that situation was still created by Zimmerman. There was no reason to believe that Trayvon would not have arrived at his father's house without Zimmerman's interruption.
So there's that, and yet, the jury acquitted him. When you don't have trial by jury, the system is open to certain abuses, but trial by jury has it's shortcomings too. I hope the civil case goes better, and I hope people are more aware of ALEC and that it loses some influence.
For now, I also hope that Zimmerman's conscience tortures him. That may be too much to ask, but he did something really venal, that can't be fixed, and I at least believe that he was not prepared for that. A friend had commented on how he seemed to be in over his head, and I don't doubt that. Becoming so was largely self-inflicted, but I do think there is another problem here that is worth exploring.
Guns do not kill people on their own. That it true. However, they do make killing much faster and easier, and that's worth taking into consideration.
If you are hunting to feed your family, this is a good thing. The gun does not require as much physical strength as a bow and arrow would, I think accuracy is easier, and the propulsion of the bullet is going to be much more powerful than a spear you throw (even if you have an amazing arm), increasing the likelihood of a fatal shot rather than a glancing blow.
If you are home alone and someone is breaking in, and you have children there, and are concerned for their lives, being able to warn off, and if necessary, shoot the invaders, is again something that can be
helpful.
However, it is no small thing to take a life, and once you make it easier, you also make it more likely, and that is the time to have serious thoughts about what you can and cannot live with. For example, I saw a news story recently where the residents of one neighborhood with a lot of thefts were putting up "Glock block" signs, to indicate that they are not going to just call 9-1-1 - they will shoot:
http://dailycaller.com/2013/06/20/grandma-organizes-glock-block-to-shoot-neighborhood-criminals/
Now, the organizer had a break-in also, and I get that feels different than simple theft. I also get that there is a sense of violation with any theft. My mother and I have both had fraudulent activity on our bank accounts. We have had multiple bikes stolen, and I have had my purse and wallet stolen at different times. This causes inconvenience, and anger and feelings of helplessness, and I totally get that. I also know that none of those things would carry the death penalty.
This isn't a new thing. When I was a teenager there was a rash of "jockey-boxing" going on, where kids would break into cars and steal whatever was in the glove box. One man found a kid going through his glove box and fatally shot him, and faced no charges, because it was legally treated as a home break in with justifiable self-defense. I don't know what was in the guys glove box, but I doubt it was worth a human life, even when the human was a thief.
And you know, I have been ready to kill someone before. That's not a joke. I was walking on this path through the woods going back to campus, and this guy riding a back came up beside me. He started talking and being sexually suggestive, which was creepy, and I kind of told him to get lost. He did ride off, but I saw that he had only gone a short way ahead, and when I stopped, he stopped.
It ended up being fine, but it felt threatening. I took it seriously enough that I went back to a different dorm in case he was still watching, because I didn't want him to know where I lived. And I didn't fear for my life; I was worried specifically about sexual assault, which again, does not carry the death penalty. However, I remember thinking that if he tried anything that I was going to kill him. There was not going to be any wounding or disabling, and leaving him as a potential risk. I was not going to stop fighting until he was dead.
I'm glad it didn't come to that, but yes, if it is to prevent death or rape of myself or a loved one, yes, I would use deadly force, and consider it justified. Despite all of that, I believe it would haunt me. I believe I would feel guilt later, and question if there had been another way that I couldn't figure out, and that's how it should be. If I don't care about taking a human life, even justified, I am defective.
So, how are you going to feel if you kill someone over a bird bath on your lawn, or some maps in your glove box, or a stupid cycle of feelings of inferiority that result in you carrying a gun, but that also makes you feel more aggressive and you end up picking a fight?
Guns have a weird mental affect on people. They get tied up with feelings of masculinity and patriotism and righteousness, where you will have families of people at a risk for suicide who are advised to clear the guns out of the house, at least temporarily, and they won't do it.
What I am asking for, though, is very clear thought. If you are interested in owning guns - and there is not automatically anything wrong with that - you really need to go over the following:
I am angry that George Zimmerman was acquitted. By stalking Trayvon Martin on his way home, by getting out of his car, despite the advice of the 9-1-1 operator, Zimmerman created the situation. Even if things happened exactly as he said they did once out of the car (which I doubt), that situation was still created by Zimmerman. There was no reason to believe that Trayvon would not have arrived at his father's house without Zimmerman's interruption.
So there's that, and yet, the jury acquitted him. When you don't have trial by jury, the system is open to certain abuses, but trial by jury has it's shortcomings too. I hope the civil case goes better, and I hope people are more aware of ALEC and that it loses some influence.
For now, I also hope that Zimmerman's conscience tortures him. That may be too much to ask, but he did something really venal, that can't be fixed, and I at least believe that he was not prepared for that. A friend had commented on how he seemed to be in over his head, and I don't doubt that. Becoming so was largely self-inflicted, but I do think there is another problem here that is worth exploring.
Guns do not kill people on their own. That it true. However, they do make killing much faster and easier, and that's worth taking into consideration.
If you are hunting to feed your family, this is a good thing. The gun does not require as much physical strength as a bow and arrow would, I think accuracy is easier, and the propulsion of the bullet is going to be much more powerful than a spear you throw (even if you have an amazing arm), increasing the likelihood of a fatal shot rather than a glancing blow.
If you are home alone and someone is breaking in, and you have children there, and are concerned for their lives, being able to warn off, and if necessary, shoot the invaders, is again something that can be
helpful.
However, it is no small thing to take a life, and once you make it easier, you also make it more likely, and that is the time to have serious thoughts about what you can and cannot live with. For example, I saw a news story recently where the residents of one neighborhood with a lot of thefts were putting up "Glock block" signs, to indicate that they are not going to just call 9-1-1 - they will shoot:
http://dailycaller.com/2013/06/20/grandma-organizes-glock-block-to-shoot-neighborhood-criminals/
Now, the organizer had a break-in also, and I get that feels different than simple theft. I also get that there is a sense of violation with any theft. My mother and I have both had fraudulent activity on our bank accounts. We have had multiple bikes stolen, and I have had my purse and wallet stolen at different times. This causes inconvenience, and anger and feelings of helplessness, and I totally get that. I also know that none of those things would carry the death penalty.
This isn't a new thing. When I was a teenager there was a rash of "jockey-boxing" going on, where kids would break into cars and steal whatever was in the glove box. One man found a kid going through his glove box and fatally shot him, and faced no charges, because it was legally treated as a home break in with justifiable self-defense. I don't know what was in the guys glove box, but I doubt it was worth a human life, even when the human was a thief.
And you know, I have been ready to kill someone before. That's not a joke. I was walking on this path through the woods going back to campus, and this guy riding a back came up beside me. He started talking and being sexually suggestive, which was creepy, and I kind of told him to get lost. He did ride off, but I saw that he had only gone a short way ahead, and when I stopped, he stopped.
It ended up being fine, but it felt threatening. I took it seriously enough that I went back to a different dorm in case he was still watching, because I didn't want him to know where I lived. And I didn't fear for my life; I was worried specifically about sexual assault, which again, does not carry the death penalty. However, I remember thinking that if he tried anything that I was going to kill him. There was not going to be any wounding or disabling, and leaving him as a potential risk. I was not going to stop fighting until he was dead.
I'm glad it didn't come to that, but yes, if it is to prevent death or rape of myself or a loved one, yes, I would use deadly force, and consider it justified. Despite all of that, I believe it would haunt me. I believe I would feel guilt later, and question if there had been another way that I couldn't figure out, and that's how it should be. If I don't care about taking a human life, even justified, I am defective.
So, how are you going to feel if you kill someone over a bird bath on your lawn, or some maps in your glove box, or a stupid cycle of feelings of inferiority that result in you carrying a gun, but that also makes you feel more aggressive and you end up picking a fight?
Guns have a weird mental affect on people. They get tied up with feelings of masculinity and patriotism and righteousness, where you will have families of people at a risk for suicide who are advised to clear the guns out of the house, at least temporarily, and they won't do it.
What I am asking for, though, is very clear thought. If you are interested in owning guns - and there is not automatically anything wrong with that - you really need to go over the following:
- Why do you want them?
- What uses are likely? (intended and unintended)
- Would you be able to part with them temporarily to protect members of the household?
- What results can you live with?
Sunday, July 7, 2013
All over the place
This blog is kind of a hard one for me at times. With the main blog, there is always an abundance of materials, and I may struggle with what order to put things in, or when I will be ready to actually say what I want to say, but ultimately pacing myself is the biggest issue. There is also usually a very logical order to the travel blog.
With this one, it started as a way of capturing newsletters, and then there were no more newsletters, so I stopped, and then it felt important to go over the basics again, and now I do not really know what I am doing, which I am afraid may be very obvious.
Usually where it works is that I get into a project of some kind, and that's where the material comes from. I think I am on the verge of a few things, so this is just sort of an update on what is going on, so future directions may make sense.
The main thing is the troubled teens. I have started my reading, but I haven't actually blogged about the list. Part of the problem there is that it is sort of a moving target. I keep thinking of other things that would possibly fit, and be helpful. To some extent, it will probably never really be done, but there will be a point I am sure where I will start writing about it. Some of it will probably be on the main blog, but some of it could be here.
I have read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, and have checked out Th1rteen R3asons Why by Jay Asher. This is for suicide, of course, but The Bell Jar is about mental illness as well. For school and social issues, I am reading Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman (I should probably watch the movie Mean Girls too), and will read Behind the Mask: Adolescents in Hiding by Dennis Rozema.
For social and image issues, I want to read Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein. Because the internet is such a big part of how we interact, I will also read You Are Not A Gadget by Jaron Lanier. Also, because I have heard it is about how there are healers, sufferers, and carriers, I am going to read The Plague by Camus.
The one that I think will personally resonate the most with me is In Search of Fatherhood by Kevin Renner. I have read Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, but at the time I knew I would need to read it again, and we seem to be there. I thought it would be because I had daughters.
I don't really have anything specific to eating disorders, but if I can find a good book on it, I will. I think I am adding The Feminine Mystique now as well. So many of the issues that these girls face have answers in feminism, with equality and empowerment. I don't know that this would be the best book for it, but it would be a starting point.
In addition, I am currently doing my Black History month reading. I know it's late. I have finished Test Ride on the Sunnyland Bus by Ana Maria Spagna, and have Mirror to America, by John Hope Franklin, checked out. The other two will be Before the Mayflower by Lerone Bennett Jr, and Slavery by Another Name by Douglas Blackmon.
Also, I need to read more poetry, so I will be getting a book of poetry each by Langston Hughes and Sylvia Plath, and will be reading For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf by Ntozake Shange which goes with multiple areas.
There are a couple of music books going in there as well, which relate in different ways, but basically, all of that goes together, and will probably take up most of the summer, but I hope to know more and be able to be more helpful. There are so many issues with mental illness, bullying, societal pressure, grief, and abuse, that it is an impossible task, but it is possible to be more informed, and that's what I'm trying.
The other thing I am thinking about is economics. People are trying to stretch their dollars and make career and education decisions, and there should be much better options out there, but if I can find information that helps, I am going to go for it.
With this one, it started as a way of capturing newsletters, and then there were no more newsletters, so I stopped, and then it felt important to go over the basics again, and now I do not really know what I am doing, which I am afraid may be very obvious.
Usually where it works is that I get into a project of some kind, and that's where the material comes from. I think I am on the verge of a few things, so this is just sort of an update on what is going on, so future directions may make sense.
The main thing is the troubled teens. I have started my reading, but I haven't actually blogged about the list. Part of the problem there is that it is sort of a moving target. I keep thinking of other things that would possibly fit, and be helpful. To some extent, it will probably never really be done, but there will be a point I am sure where I will start writing about it. Some of it will probably be on the main blog, but some of it could be here.
I have read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, and have checked out Th1rteen R3asons Why by Jay Asher. This is for suicide, of course, but The Bell Jar is about mental illness as well. For school and social issues, I am reading Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman (I should probably watch the movie Mean Girls too), and will read Behind the Mask: Adolescents in Hiding by Dennis Rozema.
For social and image issues, I want to read Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein. Because the internet is such a big part of how we interact, I will also read You Are Not A Gadget by Jaron Lanier. Also, because I have heard it is about how there are healers, sufferers, and carriers, I am going to read The Plague by Camus.
The one that I think will personally resonate the most with me is In Search of Fatherhood by Kevin Renner. I have read Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, but at the time I knew I would need to read it again, and we seem to be there. I thought it would be because I had daughters.
I don't really have anything specific to eating disorders, but if I can find a good book on it, I will. I think I am adding The Feminine Mystique now as well. So many of the issues that these girls face have answers in feminism, with equality and empowerment. I don't know that this would be the best book for it, but it would be a starting point.
In addition, I am currently doing my Black History month reading. I know it's late. I have finished Test Ride on the Sunnyland Bus by Ana Maria Spagna, and have Mirror to America, by John Hope Franklin, checked out. The other two will be Before the Mayflower by Lerone Bennett Jr, and Slavery by Another Name by Douglas Blackmon.
Also, I need to read more poetry, so I will be getting a book of poetry each by Langston Hughes and Sylvia Plath, and will be reading For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf by Ntozake Shange which goes with multiple areas.
There are a couple of music books going in there as well, which relate in different ways, but basically, all of that goes together, and will probably take up most of the summer, but I hope to know more and be able to be more helpful. There are so many issues with mental illness, bullying, societal pressure, grief, and abuse, that it is an impossible task, but it is possible to be more informed, and that's what I'm trying.
The other thing I am thinking about is economics. People are trying to stretch their dollars and make career and education decisions, and there should be much better options out there, but if I can find information that helps, I am going to go for it.
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