Preparing to have the right balance on self-esteem

This post is inspired by something that appeared on Fox and Friends:

http://www.upworthy.com/fox-news-spends-6-minutes-describing-why-mr-rogers-was-an-evil-evil-man-5

I understand if you choose not to listen to the full clip; it's pretty nauseating. Also, it misses the point, but that's a big part of the job for this network, as well as inventing false points, so we can't be too surprised there.

I admit, my years of watching Mister Rogers are pretty far past, but I don't remember a lot of messages on how special we were. I think we learned things about what it was like being shy, or having too big a head, or being too small to do some things, or when you might need to apologize, but that the overall message was "I like you just the way you are."

Perhaps the biggest problem with the Fox news segment is that they are complaining about a generation that is probably post-Mr. Rogers anyway. Kids in college now may have watched some, but not the way people in their forties now did. Again, it's Fox.

And it's not necessarily that we can't overdo the self-esteem building. I remember attending a kindergarten graduation in the early nineties where the kids sang (to the tune of Frere Jaques):

I am special, I am special
If you look, you will see,
Someone very special, someone very special,
And it's me, and it's me.

I did think that was kind of hideous at the time, but I seem to remember that one coming from Barney.

Anyway, yes, we should be working to correct our mistakes, improve our talents, and to accomplish some actual good in the world, not just accepting responsibility for ourselves, but caring for the greater whole. I have nothing against that.

However, there is something very important about the message that each person has intrinsic worth. God loves you, because you are His child. I am supposed to love you, because you are my neighbor.  You are also supposed to love me, but it is not my job to judge whether you love me enough, and are really worthy.

It is important for children to know that. Understanding the value of hard work is good. Believing that it is necessary to be perfect in order to deserve love is bad. Believing that every bad thing that happens to you is a sign that you are bad, and that if people are cruel to you it is because of your flaws, and not theirs, is bad.

The network founded by Rupert Murdoch referring to Fred Rogers as an evil, evil man is so wrong, it's kind of funny, but it's also very sad.

Preparing for convenience

I used to ride my bike everywhere. I parked it at the side of the house, and this system worked for years. Then bikes started getting stolen. I had one stolen from school, while it was chained up, and another stolen from the house.

I did eventually get another bike, but being unable to keep it outside, it ended up hanging upside down on hooks in the back storage. I never ride it.

That is something I am going to have to deal with eventually, but for now I have other things going on, where sometimes the hassle is an issue. I am working on drawing, and on learning bass guitar. Part of being successful with both of these endeavors is returning to them on a regular basis. That is involving rearranging my room.

It's not really such a big deal. I merely need to move some things out of the way, so I can put the things I need where I can grab them easily, instead of needing to dig for them. Doing so pays off. When the sketchpad is in the bottom drawer, underneath things, I may still grab it, but the odds go way up if it is on top of the dresser. There is the convenience, and there is the visual cue of having it in sight.

In the case of the guitar, it actually involved purchasing a bag, because I was so worried about damage I was keeping it in the box, and getting it in and out of there was an ordeal. There is still making myself do it, and figuring out ways to improve, but the reminder is right there, and it helps.

It occurs to me that there are probably other ways to apply this. When there are areas where I am having difficulty, I can analyze that difficulty, and look for ways to make things easier.

We all have enough struggles. If we can find a way to give ourselves a boost, we should go for it.

Preparing to love yourself

This is kind of a continuation of last week, but kind of different.

One thing I didn't get to, though I had thought about it, was that homophobia correlates highly with repressed homosexuality. The science is very clear. I suppose it's possible to have the one without the other, but they trend together. Not long ago a friend and I were joking about how perhaps the best response to people making negative comments about homosexuals would be to say "I'm sorry you're struggling with that." Given the opportunity, I may use that.

On a more serious note, it made me think of various people who fight so hard against any legal rights, and then get caught in airports or bars. Some of them may just be horrible hypocrites, and it's easy to write them off that way, but then I wonder if anyone is trying to hate themselves into Heaven, and that makes me sad.

(And yes, I do wonder if that's what Fred Phelps is trying to do. It wouldn't make him not despicable, but it's still really sad.)

I think about it more because of my troubled teens though. With self-harm and eating disorders and suicide attempts, that is very literal physical abuse, but it starts with verbal and mental abuse, as they tell themselves that they are ugly and worthless and nobody wants them and they deserve the pain. They don't deserve to feel good.

If they try and give up the self-harm and relapse, they pile on even more about the disappointment and failure, but what I also see with the eating disorders is an attempt to flog themselves into perfection and worth.

One very valid reason that it does not work is that it is a moving target, and accurate perception is lost, so what they see is not what they are, and what they want is not healthy or safe. The other thing that I have really seen, though, is that they need to quit hating themselves. All of them.

I used to think that weight loss would fix everything for me, and I could never manage it, but it's too much pressure when everything that you want depends on it. If they could like themselves, and forgive themselves for having a bad day, they actually could heal. If they knew how to like themselves, though, they probably wouldn't have gotten there in the first place.

The rules are pretty much the same. You need to develop talents, and have enjoyment of things, serve others, and try to live well. Also though, you have to be willing to be okay with yourself. It becomes this rule that you are bad and must know that you are bad, or it will all fall apart. That's actually what tears you apart. It doesn't make sense, but I see it everywhere.

So, I guess the first thing to ask yourself, regardless of what other life goals you have, or where you are, is whether or not you like yourself. Do you find yourself good? If not, I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. Let me just put a little wedge in there, and plant a seed, that you are not the horrible creature that you think you are. You have flaws, as do we all, and they are understandable, and relatable.

The flaws can be worked on, and that's important, but your worth is already there. You are valuable now, exactly as you are, and your added value will come not from your outer beauty or from the evaluation of other people, but the kindness that you perform. And anyone can be kind.

Preparing for marriage equality

Before the month is over the Supreme Court is going to look at gay marriage again. They may not uphold it now, but it is only a matter of time. More states are coming around, and the arguments against it are very weak. The opposing lawyers can't make a good legal argument about it being a sin, and otherwise you are just getting bad Strom Thurmond jokes. It's going to happen.

This post is for those who believe that same sex marriage is wrong for religious reasons, and I am not going to try and talk anyone out of that, and I am not going to try to convince anyone who supports gay marriage that it's a sin. Either one would be a poor use of time.

However, I do believe there are a lot of people who have their heart in the right place, or are close to doing so, but maybe there head is a little off, and maybe we can get somewhere together, and if we can get there now, there doesn't need to be any hand wringing or teeth gnashing when the wedding march starts in.

One thing that struck me was seeing a post that it wasn't just one right, it was 1138. At first I thought that meant they were fighting for other things, but in that context, actually there are 1138 benefits, rights, and protections provided on the basis of marriage under federal law. I never knew that. I never thought about that, but the people who don't get to marry know. Do they value it more than us? Do we promote that to straight couples who don't feel the need to get married? Do we support couples who are thinking about divorce? Can we value marriage as much when it is easily available as when it is withheld?

Some people get offended when gay couples want to adopt. Are we providing homes for all of the children who need them?

Maybe it helps to look at it as a matter of priorities. There are a lot of problems in the world; is the best use of your time preventing the couple that has been together for twelve years, and had a commitment ceremony, or maybe even went to Canada, from getting a marriage license for their own state and country? Really nothing else more valuable? Because it is a losing battle, that hurts people and makes them resent (and misunderstand) Christian values, without really improving society.

I was discussing this with a friend, and one of the points she made was that we don't seem to really be able to hate the sin and love the sinner; maybe that was too sophisticated for us. So I was thinking about that, and why we even have that phrase. It's not in the Bible.

Well, according to the internet, it's from a letter of Saint Augustine, who is not a great source of doctrine. Even so, what he actually wrote was to go forth with love of mankind and hatred of sin. Now, to me that does not sound like an injunction to literally hate sin, but just that we should avoid doing it. And if he did mean that literally, fine, again, he is not a source of doctrine.

The commandment to have charity for everyone, however, is in the Bible, and in the Book of Mormon, and comes up several times, and the first commandments are always about loving. It is necessary for us to love sinners, and also clear that we are all sinners, and should be clear that having sin and righteousness measuring contests is another bad use of time. We inculcate love, not hate, and if we are focusing too much on how other people might be sinning, we are probably not doing a great job of loving them.

Now, if you do not attend the wedding of your gay coworker or send a gift, there might be some hurt feelings, but it is something they will survive. It is a bigger problem for youth. I can't get away lately from how hard it is being young even when you have the odds in your favor. So many of these self-harming suicidal teens are homosexual or bisexual, and they live in fear of being beaten or getting kicked out. Actually, I guess the Church is working with a shelter for homeless teens in Salt Lake City, because that's a problem there.

I realize it can be a disturbing thing to think that your child might end up is same sex relationships, but is that worse than them running away, and getting involved in prostitution? Is that worse than them killing themselves? Is it worse than them building a secret life, where they never tell you anything, and they shut down their own feelings, and have depression and feelings of alienation that they can't work on because they can't even express them?

With people, the answer is always love and acceptance first, and then you look at harm, but simply being gay does not lead to harm. It's not contagious. If people become more accepting, you might have less people hiding it, but again, it's better to have things out in the open.

The other thing that might be worth mentioning is that I know there are some concerns that if marriage equality is upheld, it could lead to lawsuits against churches that do not accept it. That is a real possibility. I can think of at least one person who would try and bring that suit, but I also trust in the law that the case would fail. The same freedom of religion that means that we do not get to impose our will on others means that they do not get to impose their will on us, and both of those are equally good things.

Preparing to listen to teenagers

I guess it's really preparing to listen to people, but I am gravitating more towards the young now, and there are a couple of reasons for that.

One is that they do need our guidance. One of the nicer side effects of getting older is that you develop perspective, and you learn that some things aren't really that bad, and that things go in cycles where relief will come, but problems will return too, and what's really important. Yes, you can age without taking in this sort of wisdom, but ideally you do learn, and it makes life easier.

The other issue though is that we take that experience and write them off. We know so much better than them, and even if that's pretty true, it is not a reason to be dismissive of what they say. Just because we have lived through adolescence doesn't mean we are remembering it clearly. There are things that we put aside, and it is completely reasonable to do so right up until it leads to negating someone who is still in the middle of it.

They know that they are hurting, and how badly they are hurting, and sometimes they know a fair amount of the problem and the solution even if they need some helping figuring it out. If we then are condescending and interrupting, we merely demonstrate that their habit of secrecy was the right thing to do, and talking to adults is worse than useless, becoming actually harmful. So much of their pain comes from feeling worthless, that casting aside their words or their feelings drives home exactly the wrong point.

I have an example. One of the saddest tweets I ever saw was something along the lines of "I think half the reason I'm gay is because my father's never around."

Chances are that your first reaction was "That's not how that works." That's a reasonable reaction, and you could, either kindly or condescendingly try to set him straight. (That pun was not intended; you know what I mean.) And it could be very well-intentioned, but it's the wrong thing.

First of all, his "I think" and "half the reason" already shows that he is not really convinced that this is the reason, and really the tweet wasn't about being gay, or how it happened, but he did put something very important in there, which is that he feels the lack of a father in his life, and that it's a problem for him.

Actually, in his case, there are a lot of problems in the family background, starting with mental illness, molestation of a sibling that hurt everyone, and then substance abuse issues which might not have started with the molestation, but that didn't help. So there are a lot of wounds in that family, and you can't really fix them all.

However, my thought, and what I suggested, was that maybe he could find a mentor, like someone at work, or a family friend. Maybe he could still have a positive male role model to turn to. And that might not work. There might not be anyone helpful, and even if he could find a great mentor, there are still all of the other problems there, which are going to hurt.

At the same time, it addresses the thing that was on his mind, and there's a ray of hope to it. You can do that with one obstacle at a time. Once you start thinking solutions are possible, then maybe you look at other issues, and maybe counseling, or an intervention, or a doctor's visit can be options. But if I started throwing all of that at him now, especially without knowing the nature of the mental illnesses, or what the medical history is, or all of the various aspects, well, that's not helpful either.

They are not always going to be ready to hear what you have to say. One girl with an eating disorder strictly regulates her calories, and it's not healthy, but if she doesn't do that, she cuts, and starts feeling suicidal. This is awful, but telling her to eat is not helpful.

And those are some fairly extreme examples. I hope for many  young people, it won't be anything that awful, though fears about the future and doubts about your own worthiness and attractiveness aren't exactly a picnic. Still, I think the guidelines are pretty much the same.

1. Listen. Don't assume you know what's going on. Don't assume you understand. Listen.
2. Chuck your ego out the door. This is not about you, it's about them, and they do not need your pride interfering with your love or your judgment.
3. Respect them as people. Yes, they are younger, less experienced, and have less legal rights. Chances are they will also be pretty resourceful in doing what they feel they need to do, so "Because I said so" isn't going to cut it. Platitudes are not going to cut it. Sincerity and caring might, but it's still going to take a lot of listening.
4. Don't despair. People successfully make it into adulthood all the time, and you are not the only person out there trying to be helpful. And then there's still the Atonement. I am profoundly grateful for that.