Sunday, March 31, 2013

Preparing to think differently about weight

On the main blog I have written about my struggles with weight more than once. There have been many factors that led me to be overweight, and there are some things I have gotten better about, and some improvements I have made, but I am still overweight, and there is no secret about that.

I have been greatly affected recently by Twitter, and the expanded associations it has given me, especially with various youth whom I would not have encountered otherwise. That is also something I have written about some, and will write about more, but I have been focusing a lot lately on the issues of self-harm and eating disorders, which many of them suffer from.

I know that many of my previous attempts to lose weight have failed because my mind hasn't been right. There was too much depending emotionally upon the weight loss. For them, some of them lose a lot of weight, but they still can't succeed, because they don't have perspective on what they are really like or what they really need. There are high emotional stakes, but they are set up for failure.

I have a lot of reading and studying coming up where I hope to better understand how to help them, but some of that is going to have to be figuring out how to help me, and I realize a lot of it is going to be about perception. If they are binging to fill up emptiness, or purging to expel bad feelings, or cutting to take control of pain, I get that, but it won't work the way it would if they were going after the real pain and emptiness, instead of these things that are really symbolic, despite being devastatingly real. So, I need to come to grips with my own reality.

I assume that's going to be a multi-stage process, but my starting point is that for me, food was the one thing that I really let myself have, when I would neglect everything else, especially if anyone else needed anything. At the same time, my value and my worthiness of being loved was always tied in with the scale, and so the day when I would be worth something was always pushed off until I could lose weight, which was actually too much pressure.

I intellectually understand that my value as a person is not tied to my weight, but I also understand that society does tie them together a lot, and there are people who will devalue me for my extra pounds. I am also becoming more aware of girls and women who have bodies that are perfectly fine, and they are still devalued, and disrespected, and have a hard time enjoying their bodies, which is such a fundamental part of enjoying life.

I also understand that I am too fat. I am grateful for the stamina and abilities that I have, but I know I am capable of more, and I want that for myself. I want to run and kayak and hang glide and know that I am physically capable of doing anything I need to do.

Reconciling those two things is quite the problem. One thing you may not have noticed though, in the start to that second paragraph, is that I corrected my language. I nearly said I was overweight. I am trying to move away from that. The problem is not really the weight; the problem is the amount of extra fat. If I was a tall female body-builder, my weight might be okay. I am trying to divorce myself from the number.

I want to be healthy, and I believe I can be. There is a whole set of head games in there about attractiveness, and I kind of have to let that one go for now. That's too much of a minefield, but I can focus on health, and health is for now the only valid indicator. Sometimes I have decided to focus on inches instead of pounds, and there are reasons why those might mean more, but those are both banned.I know roughly how much I weigh, and about where my measurements are, because I have checked them both often enough, but I am not checking either again for six weeks, and in those six weeks I am going to focus on taking care of me.

It's so easy to skimp on sleep, and then be too tired to exercise, and compensate for the tiredness with a sugar rush, and I just want off. It's easy to focus on the diabetes, so that's what I'm going to measure. I'll be checking my blood sugar a lot, and adjusting sleep, and water intake, and food intake, and just completely focusing on feeling good.

It feels doable now. I am not in the middle of any big writing projects and it's a slow time at work. The fact that I would totally let those things (and other things) interfere with my physical well-being is a problem, I know. However, I do have that problem, and I know it. I'm choosing an auspicious time to try it out, and I hope to learn good things in the meanwhile that will help me value myself better, and see what follows. I've been in much worse states than this, now I want to try better.

The first test is if I can successfully make it into bed by 10:30 tonight.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Preparing to dig deeper

I guess this post starts with this article:

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2013/03/utah-suicide-gun-laws-traffic-fatalities

It's disturbing on multiple levels, and there is a lot of material here, some of which I will probably return to on the regular blog at some point. I want to deal with Utah being the most depressed state though, because that seems very wrong, and I can see people interpreting it badly and as something against the church.

The first point I want to make is that it is not impossible that a higher depression rate is somewhat influenced environmentally. I know of Utah families with a high incidence of cancers and neurological diseases which appear to be linked to the fallout from the atomic bomb testing that happened in Nevada in the 1950's. I have not read of a specific link between radiation and depression, but considering some of the definite connections, depression seems well within the realm of possibility.

A concern I have with this is that some members I have known with clinical depression have met with discouragement from others on taking medication for it, because they should be able to be healed by faith, or just choose a positive attitude, or suck it up. I think this kind of thing happens outside of the church too, but it's still wrong.

Yes, there are those who tend to over-medicate, and there are people who would benefit more from therapy than from medication, or who should at least get both, but there are people whose brain chemistry is not right, and there are medications that can help them, and being against that help because you don't specifically need it is a very destructive form of arrogance.

And you can't use the absence of such medications in the past as a justification for it either. We have been polluting the atmosphere and the groundwater and adding chemicals to the food, and testing nuclear bombs, and we don't fully know the effects of those changes. Maybe some of this didn't exist two hundred years ago, and that's questionable, but it exists now, and it should be helped when possible.

So, add environmental contaminants to reluctance to medicate, and maybe that's why the depression levels are so high, at least on the chemical end of it, but someone else had referenced depressed Mormon housewives who need to stay vapid to keep from giving into the despair, and she has a point, and I want to address that.

I'm going to start addressing it by using some people who are not in our church, but my sister asked me about them, because she was disturbed by it. They lost three children close together. I think two were due to a genetic condition that they had not known about until the first one died, and then the other was an illness. I believe they had one child left.

Now, that is a disturbing story just for the sheer pain, but what bothered her is how they were playing it down, saying the loss was God's will, and they were just going to trust Him and be grateful. It did not feel right to her, and I had to agree.

You do need to make peace with loss, but what it felt like in this case was that it happened too easily, and too soon, like maybe they just assumed peace instead of actually making peace. One unfortunate result of that is that people were not being inspired; they were being horrified, and feeling like Christians are freaks.

Well, you can't worry too much about that, because often when we do things right we are going to look like freaks too. However, you still need to do right by yourself, and part of that is that leaving your faith shallow leaves it likely to crumble at a bad moment.

We are human, and humanity hurts. People die and we miss them. We feel guilty for things that are not our fault, and we try and avoid guilt for things that are our fault. We get sick and we get old. There is a lot of suffering. There can be a lot of joy, too, but there will definitely be suffering.That's part of the plan. It teaches us compassion, and gratitude, and we become stronger. It works. And yet, because it hurts, it is completely natural to feel rebellious at times, and bristle, and to get mad. Someone who is trying really hard to be good may be tempted to sweep that under the rug. Don't.

I'm not saying to give into the rebellion, and stop praying and start drinking. However, we do need to question, and a lot of people seem to be scared to do that.

I suppose it's the same sort of behavior that makes it easy to write other people off as sinners, without finding charity for them. This is wrong! They do this thing! Sinner! That's pretty much never the right attitude. We leave judgment to God, and we just love. That's how it works. Also, sometimes one thing definitely is a sin, but we add a lot of related things to it on our own. Or yes, they are sinning, but it's understandable given their background, and they need love more than judgment.

We can be too quick to write off other people, but we can also be too quick to write off ourselves. We deny the pain and the anger inside, but that leaves them inside, and they can fester there. I've done it. The worst depression of my life was when something that I had been pushing down for nearly thirty years would not stay down any longer. And here is the horrible and amazing thing about that: forcing myself to look at the thing was much worse than actually looking at the thing.

I had all this fear built up of how horrible I was, and I just did not want to know, and I let that keep me from relationships, and from knowing myself at all, and it had all been a lie that I internalized from some kids picking on me. I should have fixed that years ago.

My message is that God is good enough to handle your weakness. The Plan of Salvation is complete enough to comfort your afflictions. You're not just allowed to ask; you're supposed to ask.

I'll keep saying that it's hard. So much of what hurts us is the choices other people make. It seems unfair, but we learn the value of having our own choices, so they need theirs. As we grow, we learn that we hurt people too, and we can get humble about that, and grateful for the Atonement. We realize how much is fixed by forgiveness and resurrection and how valuable the Millennium will be, and not only is all of that beautiful, but it gives meaning to everything that is happening now.

We don't understand it all right away. There will be questions where to understand the answer you need to know too many things that you haven't learned yet, and so you have to wait, but there is still the assurance and the comfort.

As Latter-Day Saints we are the last people who should be coasting on a shallow faith, ever! We have so much knowledge to build on. We have the Holy Ghost and we have temples. We have the priesthood for blessings and for guidance from leaders. Ask and seek and knock.

It's okay to be slow learners. The lie that was at the bottom of my troubles was that I couldn't be loved. I cannot tell you how many times God had to tell me that He loved me before I believed it. He kept it up though, in dreams and in blessings and in experiences, until at some point it stuck. I don't know of any reason why He would be less patient with you.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Thoughts on Sleep

This is one I wrote for the July 2011 Relief Society newsletter, and one that I still need to remind myself of periodically:


In 1985, two mountaineers were on their descent from a peak in the Peruvian Andes. One climber, Joe Simpson, broke his leg, which led to him falling into a crevasse, and it was a miracle that he lived. The other, Simon Yates, after having to cut the rope the connected them, and believing that Joe had died, tried to understand how it had happened.

He decided it was that they had not had enough fuel. It should have been enough, but the ascent was slower than they had expected, and they were running out. Without fuel, they could not melt the snow and ice for drinking water, and were in danger of death by dehydration or hypothermia from trying to drink the unmelted snow. Because of this, they were going down faster than they could do safely, resulting in the broken leg. He came away understanding that we can’t always predict the fallout that will came from not taking proper care of ourselves.

It is easy to let the needs of others override your own, but you may leave yourself unable to serve friends, husbands, and children. It is like the airline instruction to put on your own oxygen mask before you assist others.

We too need proper hydration and warmth and nutrition, but I find that where I am most likely to cheat myself is sleep. There are simply not enough hours in the day, and there is always at least one more thing that needs to be done.

I have also found that nothing lowers my ability to cope as much as sleep deprivation (other than perhaps illness, which can be more likely to occur with sleep deprivation). The normal snags of life become unbearable without rest.

The Lord has given us a pattern to follow: “…retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and minds may be invigorated.” (D&C 88:124)

As tempting as it can be to stay up late finishing odds and ends, it robs us of our invigoration the next morning. Short-term effects include decreased performance and alertness, memory and cognitive impairment, and increased risk of injury. Over the long term it can affect blood pressure, heart health, body weight, and mental health.

Instead, we can take sufficient rest, and find ourselves calm and alert and ready for anything. We will truly be able to run and not be weary, and walk and not faint.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Preparing to be impaired

I started French in ninth grade, Spanish in eleventh, and studied both of them, as well as Italian in college. I picked up a tiny bit of Norwegian and German too, because language was just my thing. (Also, my English is quite good.) When I was going to go on a mission, I knew I would speak a language. I had no idea it would be Lao. I mean, I needed to look up what that even was.

Many times when learning it, I would think about how much better I could do if it were one of the languages that I already knew, and then I sort of realized that was the point. The Lord needed me to be humble, and any other language would not have led to that result. I had to learn how to study differently, parts of speech came to me in different ways than they had with other languages, and often when I was given what I needed to say it was clearly through me, not from me, because I did not even really know what I had said when I was done. It was how it needed to be.

I have been thinking about this lately because I have been sick for just under a month now, and I am so tired of it. There are all of these things that I want to do and just cannot get to. I am tired. I am racked with coughing. I have no voice. And honestly, my brain has not been running at full capacity.

It started while I was on vacation. In preparation for the vacation, I was getting a crazy amount of things accomplished, and if some of them weren't quite as good as I wanted them to be, I was still getting things done, and then I was going to have a good vacation, and come back and start tackling even more things.

I have not tackled much. I am almost at the end of my 40 days on the Amazon Studio submission, and I have done nothing with it. I have not revised any of the other screenplays, or updated my LinkedIn profile, or networked, or any of that really. I have been too busy coughing, oozing, and wishing I were dead.

As much as I have tried to power through it, I have not been greatly successful, because it keeps adding on fun turns. At first it was just a bad, long cold. So I was waiting it out, and then it turned worse, with the addition of bronchitis, and then I got pinkeye. If we keep adding new diseases, this could go on forever! And I keep thinking about all the things that I need to do, and should do, and mean to do, and wishing that I had some energy.

I have still managed to accomplish some things. I have been able to keep up the blog. Some of the posts have not been my best work, but some of them have been kind of good. This one last week felt like a rehash, but it felt like the right way to go, and it got 12 hits almost immediately after posting, so I guess someone needed it. I did make someone happy. I did add some new scenes to some of the existing screenplays and they worked. They added elements that were needed.

I keep feeling like I should be capable of a lot more, and when running at full capacity I am, but maybe the lesson of being weighed down is to make choices and set priorities. I can't do everything, but I am going to do this. Have I made the right choices? Or are there even right choices in this set of circumstances? I don't know.

Perhaps it teaches me to be grateful for small accomplishments and graces in the absence of big ones. Well, at least that one worked out. At least I did see that one post. At least I'm telecommuting so no one has to hear the coughing fits. (And I have been doing a great job at work, thank you. I just have less mental energy left for real life when I'm done.)

So I am going to try and be philosophical about this, and make the best of it. My throat does hurt less today, and my brain is less cloudy, so maybe I won't be sick forever. And although I  have not been exercising, no appetite has kept the scale going down. I know some of it is dehydration, but probably not all of it. I've really been trying to drink.

Regardless, if I am sick forever, I will still find ways to accomplish some things, and I will still find pleasure in that. It will be even more pleasure if it stops being interrupted by coughing.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Thoughts on Continuing Education

Okay, actually this is one I did, and I have a more complete version several months ago, but this seems to be needed again. It was written in August of last year, hence the first line.

Children will soon be back in school, but it is a good time to remember that adulthood is no time to quit learning. There are many options for advancing your career or enriching your life.
Even if you are not planning on pursuing a degree, you may still be interested in local college classes. Portland Community College is one option, with a wide range of non-credit classes listed under Community Education: http://www.pcc.edu/pcc/pro/comed/

As the courses are not for credit, there are not tests or grades or pressure, so the classes can be an enjoyable way to explore a future hobby or career, without making too big of a commitment. You can learn a foreign language, improve your writing skills, or try out vegetarian cooking.

Pretty much any craft store will have either its own classes or information about classes for that type of craft. This applies to large stores like Michaels and Craft Warehouse, as well as specialty store like Sharon’s Attic (for quilts) or Planet Bead (for beading). It is the same concept as Home Depot’s in-store clinics. The point is to illustrate that if you want to do something and don’t know how, chances are there are multiple options for learning it.

So far the focus has been more on hobbies. Maybe you simply want to be better-informed. Reading is a wonderful way to do this, and can be completely free through your local library services. You can form a club with friends or participate with Relief Society, and bookstores will often have in-store and online groups. You can also ask a librarian, or check out the Everybody Reads project, where one book is selected each year for an entire city to read. Workshops and speakers are often scheduled to enhance the experience, and you may find strangers all over the city reading the same book:

http://www.multcolib.org/books/lists/everybodyreads.html

You can also use local classes to serve others. Master Recyclers and Master Gardeners receive intensive training on their subjects and then volunteer to teach others in the community.
http://www.masterrecycler.org/
http://extension.oregonstate.edu/washington/index.php

However, if you wish to learn, serve others, and increase your own emergency preparedness, you may wish to consider CERT training.

CERT stands for Community Emergency Response Team, and is based on the principle that with an area-wide disaster professional responders will be overwhelmed, so having civilians with basic training and organization can save lives. You will receive training in disaster medicine, light search and rescue, fire suppression, and organization and disaster psychology. Eligibility is determined by the city boundaries and school districts of where you live and work:
http://www.hillsborocert.org/
http://www.beavertonoregon.gov/index.aspx?nid=569

Volunteering is also a great way to make connections if you are considering going back to school. You can get a feel for something, along with experience, before committing to a full academic program. To search by area of interest and location, try http://www.volunteermatch.org/.  Then, when you are ready to go back to school, see http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/. Prospects for aid improve after you turn 23.

All you have to do is decide on an interest. Once that has been done the options are endless.